There's no excuse for spiritual illness. I was only overcome by it when I took my eyes off of God and the way He's called me to live; when I forget that I have SURRENDERED my will to the will of the Almighty. When spiritually ill, you get worked up after a while, thinking, "This isn't what I expected. I'm not achieving my goals. If I'm living the best way I know how, and still missing my dreams, what does that say about me? Am I useless? If so, am I worthless?" But how can we forget that God is much more able to dream for us, what we cannot dream for ourselves? His dreams are bigger, greater, more miraculous. How could I forget this? Didn't I spend all last year writing my thesis paper on this very subject? Didn't I stand in front of 200-300 people and urge them to run after whatever God calls them to because He "is able to do to superabundantly far over and above all that we ask or think (infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams)" (eph. 3:20)? But I learn this lesson again almost every day. A re-learning that, though painful at times, humbles me again before Jesus' feet. A re-learning that has grown my relationship with God leaps and bounds.
A strange thought struck me as I was running this morning. I was thinking about how most everyone lives however they may live with the knowledge/fear that one day they will come before God and be faced with their sin; the saved will be welcomed into the kingdom, and those who rejected Christ will be rejected. I sort of laughed as I realized that we are ALWAYS before Him. We are ever before Him. Why do we put off our surrender til tomorrow when we have been told repeatedly that tomorrow is not promised? Probably because "we have been told" but we have never taken the time to sit and think about what it means to be ready to die RIGHT NOW. Not what it means to take the appropriate steps so that some distant day in the future we can say, "This is it, my time has come, and I am ready." But to KNOW that my time may be in 5 seconds, just because God designed my life to end that way, reallllllllly makes me think about how I spend my time. If I am before Jesus Christ, WHAT will I withhold from Him? If there IS anything I'm willing to withhold from Christ, I am absolutely daft because he gave everything just so that I could live with him forever. True love right there. So, if I am EVER before Christ, why am I ever withholding of my gifts and talents and love and offerings and time. I spend so much time being too embaressed to share my gifts with others because there is risk involved, but I forget that I am really before none but Christ Jesus. And even so, I forget that I have surrendered myself, my will, my fears all to Him. And even so, as sick as it is, I forget that he DESERVES my surrender, and so much more. I mean, what would it really look like to use all my gifts for his glory, no disclaimers involved. Instead of saying, "well, i really suck at everything, but i'll try", claiming, "Christ will do this in me, if it is His will." As Proverbs 3:25-26 urges "Have NO fear of sudden disaster or the ruin that overtakes the wicked, FOR THE LORD WILL BE YOUR CONFIDENCE and will keep your foot from being snared." I have to have confidence in the LORD. It's the least I can do to give my filthy life for Him when he's given his perfect life for me. My righteousness is as filthy rags.
I just read Francis Chan's "Crazy Love" this summer (about time, right?), and there were two stories he told on this subject that really stood out to me. The first was of a man speaking at a funeral. The man was explaining the possibility of your time coming any minute, and you don't have control over it, and you don't know when it's coming. A "live your life to the fullest" kind of speech. At the end of his speech, this man fell over and died. RIGHT there. On the spot. Unexpectedly. Who knew?
The second story was about Chan's mother-in-law. He described her as a person very aware of heaven; her thoughts most always turned to the Lord. He said that after taking her to the theatre one time, he asked her how she enjoyed the show. Her response was that while the show was fine, it was not where she'd like to be when Jesus came back. I don't even know if I breathed for a minute after I read that. It shocked me. To even have a mindset like that! THAT is what I want! To be ever looking toward what God is doing, and what I can be doing alongside Him.
I have not had that mindset lately, which is the reason I've been "spiritually ill". Just over this passed month, God has been stripping me of so many false beliefs and restrictions I've had on myself. He's worked through passages of scripture, good conversations, music, dreams, his own voice to show me that He is the only One worth both living and dying for and I cannot take him for granted. I want none besides Him.
Just last night I was having a minor panic attack about something profoundly unimportant on the large scale, when God stepped in and reminded me that it would be JUST LIKE satan to get me all worked up over something small just days before I leave for Belize, and make me too afraid to go. And once I had that realization and surrendered my will to God, a great peace overtook me and I was finally able to sleep peacefully after days of unrest. Really, anything one could worry about should have the same result, because what has Christ left us to worry over? He said be anxious for NOTHING.
I want to leave on that note. My eyes fixed on Christ. My heart bound to Jesus. My will in line with His. So whatever may happen, I am content. If I get wiped out right this instant I can say, "I have used my gifts from God and my freedom in Christ and the Holy Spirit's guidance to glorify Him." I'm no longer screaming for God to show up. After all, I was the rebellious one here. I was the liar. I was the cheater. I betrayed him. I was the lover of darkness. Now, I'm saying "Thank you for holding on."
