"Consider your ways"

For a while, I've been caught in a stage of spiritual illness. A time where I was screaming "God, PLEASE show up!", and felt that even though he was with me through all i was dealing with, he wasn't helping me. I am grateful, however, that throughout the time i spent ill and confused, God was gracious enough to turn my mistakes into lessons in order that i would grow, despite my illness. Isn't it just like God to use something awful to my benefit, and furthermore, to his glory?

There's no excuse for spiritual illness. I was only overcome by it when I took my eyes off of God and the way He's called me to live; when I forget that I have SURRENDERED my will to the will of the Almighty. When spiritually ill, you get worked up after a while, thinking, "This isn't what I expected. I'm not achieving my goals. If I'm living the best way I know how, and still missing my dreams, what does that say about me? Am I useless? If so, am I worthless?" But how can we forget that God is much more able to dream for us, what we cannot dream for ourselves? His dreams are bigger, greater, more miraculous. How could I forget this? Didn't I spend all last year writing my thesis paper on this very subject? Didn't I stand in front of 200-300 people and urge them to run after whatever God calls them to because He "is able to do to superabundantly far over and above all that we ask or think (infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams)" (eph. 3:20)? But I learn this lesson again almost every day. A re-learning that, though painful at times, humbles me again before Jesus' feet. A re-learning that has grown my relationship with God leaps and bounds.

A strange thought struck me as I was running this morning. I was thinking about how most everyone lives however they may live with the knowledge/fear that one day they will come before God and be faced with their sin; the saved will be welcomed into the kingdom, and those who rejected Christ will be rejected. I sort of laughed as I realized that we are ALWAYS before Him. We are ever before Him. Why do we put off our surrender til tomorrow when we have been told repeatedly that tomorrow is not promised? Probably because "we have been told" but we have never taken the time to sit and think about what it means to be ready to die RIGHT NOW. Not what it means to take the appropriate steps so that some distant day in the future we can say, "This is it, my time has come, and I am ready." But to KNOW that my time may be in 5 seconds, just because God designed my life to end that way, reallllllllly makes me think about how I spend my time. If I am before Jesus Christ, WHAT will I withhold from Him? If there IS anything I'm willing to withhold from Christ, I am absolutely daft because he gave everything just so that I could live with him forever. True love right there. So, if I am EVER before Christ, why am I ever withholding of my gifts and talents and love and offerings and time. I spend so much time being too embaressed to share my gifts with others because there is risk involved, but I forget that I am really before none but Christ Jesus. And even so, I forget that I have surrendered myself, my will, my fears all to Him. And even so, as sick as it is, I forget that he DESERVES my surrender, and so much more. I mean, what would it really look like to use all my gifts for his glory, no disclaimers involved. Instead of saying, "well, i really suck at everything, but i'll try", claiming, "Christ will do this in me, if it is His will." As Proverbs 3:25-26 urges "Have NO fear of sudden disaster or the ruin that overtakes the wicked, FOR THE LORD WILL BE YOUR CONFIDENCE and will keep your foot from being snared." I have to have confidence in the LORD. It's the least I can do to give my filthy life for Him when he's given his perfect life for me. My righteousness is as filthy rags.

I just read Francis Chan's "Crazy Love" this summer (about time, right?), and there were two stories he told on this subject that really stood out to me. The first was of a man speaking at a funeral. The man was explaining the possibility of your time coming any minute, and you don't have control over it, and you don't know when it's coming. A "live your life to the fullest" kind of speech. At the end of his speech, this man fell over and died. RIGHT there. On the spot. Unexpectedly. Who knew?

The second story was about Chan's mother-in-law. He described her as a person very aware of heaven; her thoughts most always turned to the Lord. He said that after taking her to the theatre one time, he asked her how she enjoyed the show. Her response was that while the show was fine, it was not where she'd like to be when Jesus came back. I don't even know if I breathed for a minute after I read that. It shocked me. To even have a mindset like that! THAT is what I want! To be ever looking toward what God is doing, and what I can be doing alongside Him.

I have not had that mindset lately, which is the reason I've been "spiritually ill". Just over this passed month, God has been stripping me of so many false beliefs and restrictions I've had on myself. He's worked through passages of scripture, good conversations, music, dreams, his own voice to show me that He is the only One worth both living and dying for and I cannot take him for granted. I want none besides Him.

Just last night I was having a minor panic attack about something profoundly unimportant on the large scale, when God stepped in and reminded me that it would be JUST LIKE satan to get me all worked up over something small just days before I leave for Belize, and make me too afraid to go. And once I had that realization and surrendered my will to God, a great peace overtook me and I was finally able to sleep peacefully after days of unrest. Really, anything one could worry about should have the same result, because what has Christ left us to worry over? He said be anxious for NOTHING.

I want to leave on that note. My eyes fixed on Christ. My heart bound to Jesus. My will in line with His. So whatever may happen, I am content. If I get wiped out right this instant I can say, "I have used my gifts from God and my freedom in Christ and the Holy Spirit's guidance to glorify Him." I'm no longer screaming for God to show up. After all, I was the rebellious one here. I was the liar. I was the cheater. I betrayed him. I was the lover of darkness. Now, I'm saying "Thank you for holding on."

New Life Goal as of today

"Everyone has heard about your obedience, so I am full of joy over you; but I want you to be wise about what is good, and innocent about what is evil." -Romans 16:19

written 10-12-10

This was a journal prompt for school I don't wanna forget about:

"Describe the relationship between a specific English act (or set of acts) and either mercantilism or salutary neglect."

There is an obvious connection between the Navigation acts and the idea of mercantilism. The Navigation acts, in simple terms, said that America could ONLY export goods to Great Britain and had to use British ships. Mercantilism is the marriage of big government with big business to form a monopoly. Great Britain used the Navigation acts as a means of Mercantilism. They wanted to monopolize the trade system of the world, and since they owned the majority of the new world, they used this to demonstrate their power. The rest of the world was wondering about America. What was it really like? What goods and treasures existed there? It was a grand mystery. The fact that Britain owned this mystery gave Britain incredible power. The problem was, Britain wasn't fair to the colonists who had risked their lives to establish the colonies. They overtaxed the colonists and completely controlled trade and denied the colonists the right to representation. The colonists became frustrated and knew they had to revolt. A scrawny group of colonist farmers fighting against the most powerful army in the world seems like a rediculous idea. Couldn't it only end in massacre? But how often we discount the fact that it is God who gives and God who takes away. He performed a miracle for the colonists, similar to the battle of Jericho for the Israelites. It was impossible, absolutely, but it happened. Do we forget this today? God is in control of ALL things. Why do we fear for our future when God is with us? If we have faith and courage as a country to stand up and throw ourselves, including our will, into the arms of God, he will redeem the wicked path we're on.

We so often are fed, and feed ourselves a "Grace Gospel," that we forget who we are...and what our purpose is. Yes, we're loved unconditionally, but that doesn't let us off the hook, if anything, it puts us out there. Those of us who have been saved by Grace should be the most active. We should be the ones doing good works, not so that we might secure our salvation, as we are already secure in Christ, but so others would realize the hope of the Gospel. The only true hope.

"Were it not for the sovereign pleasure of God, the earth would not bear you one moment; for you are a burden to it; the creation groans with you; the creature is made subject to the bondage of your corruption, not willingly; the sun does not willingly shine upon you to give you light to serve sin and Satan; the earth does not willingly yield her increase to satisfy your lusts; nor is it willingly a stage for your wickedness to be acted upon; the air does not willingly serve you for breath to maintain the flame of life in your vitals, while you spend your life in the service of God's enemies." - Jonathan Edwards

ohhh marriage.

A week or so ago, I was talking with two friends about marraige. We were discussing different character traits and qualities we like in a person, and ideally, "what we're looking for" in a relationship. I said what I pretty much always say in such a discussion, " I don't know what I want." Of course there are certain things I find attractive in a man and certain things I most certainly don't, but other than the fact that I need him to love God before anything or anyone else, I just don't have "requirements." My friend said to me, "Hannah, find a guy that likes to read." He went on to say, "all guys need to be refined." I thought he meant this on a surface level; something to keep an eye out for....like an attractive character trait. Maybe that is what he meant, but if you think about what that really means. "A guy who likes to read." Someone who likes to learn. A man who isn't afraid for his ideas to be tested, stretched, and added to. A man who is interested in more than comfort, security, pride and ecstasy. Who is this man? "A guy that likes to read." And actually, i don't even think he said a "guy that likes to read," I think he said, "A guy that reads." Now if you think of what THAT means! It means everything I said, plus this: He may NOT like to read. He may hate it. But he does it anyway because he knows its good to grow.

I was thinking the other day about how my parents told me repetitively as a child, "We all have to do things we don't want to do." True understanding of this proverb has come only with age, yet as I've grown, I've noticed more and more that most of my generation hasn't learned this lesson. Instead they do as they please, even if they know its the opposite of what's best for them. I always thought it was just rebellion and laziness, but it's more like....ehh...stupid. And stubborn. And I am stupid and stubborn as well. I need to learn to read. And to thus to be courageous enough to grow.

"I am a most unworthy sinner, but I have cried out to the Lord for grace and mercy and they have covered me completely. I have found the sweetest consolation since I made it my whole purpose to enjoy His marvelous presence. No one should fear to undertake any task in the Name of our Savior, if it is just and if the intention is purely for His holy service. The working out of all things has been assigned to each person by our Lord, but it all happens according to His sovereign will, even though He gives direction. He lacks nothing that is in the power of men to give Him. Oh what a gracious Lord, who desires that people should perform for Him those things for which He holds Himself responsible. Day and night, moment by moment, everyone should express to Him their most devoted gratitude."

-Christopher Columbus