I guess it was a combination of my desperation and the sailing that attracted me to Belize, and every time I was out on that warm, crystal blue water, I remembered the passions God gave me and my heart was again filled with wonder. To me, there was nothing that exemplified God's glory more than being out on that water in San Pedro. I hardly stopped smiling out there... it wasn't the actual hobby cat that made me love sailing, it was being out there in the wonder of God. There's little that reflects God's mystery as the water does. And I felt so in danger, but so in love out there.
So aside from forming irreplaceable friendships, I enjoyed sailing the most, but I learned the most from having to face my fears. And isn't it just like God to teach us even in the circumstances we don't like? Because, he could just teach us through the good things, but even when we're afraid (which is rebellion against His security, really), he reveals to us His love...and often we feel it even more when he loves us in our fears. He truly is the Redeemer. For example, one of the first lessons God taught me in Belize was through scuba diving. I was terrified to go. I didn't even kind of want to. I was about to cry getting on the boat to go. But God talked to me on the way out there. He told me that I can either give my situation over to fear, and guarantee that I'll have a horrible time, or I can give the situation over to Him, trusting that He wants the best for me, and see what happens. So I gave scuba diving over to Him, and decided to wait to be upset until something bad happened. The truth is, I had a really good time. And I got to experience the mystery and presence of God in an entirely new way. I wouldn't hurry off to go scuba diving again, but it was a priceless experience for me, because I learned so much about the peace of Christ. Especially when we did the exercise where we had to take our masks off at the bottom of the ocean, put them back on, and clear them. I was doing fairly well up to that point. But when I put my mask on and tried to clear it, I couldn't get it clear and I started having a total panic attack, but God literally took hold of me and told me to stop panicking; I could still breathe, I just couldn't see, I was going to be fine. So, peace immediately overcame me, and I put my mask on again and cleared it just fine. I don't know if I was crying or not at this point, since my face was already too wet to tell, but I was really shaken up. Still, I felt a preciousness of God's love in that moment. I felt so helpless, but so held by Him. Daddy weren't about to let nothin happen to me.
Sometimes, days in Belize felt slow-moving and were difficult to get through. A lot of learning and stretching and growing was taking place, and I would get homesick. When we were leaving for outreach, though, I couldn't believe our lecture phase was over! The 3 months had passed in what seemed like a finger snap.
Outreach was unbelievable. I finally came to know the Holy Spirit; a concept I was afraid to explore before. Now, I cannot imagine my life without the Holy Spirit being a welcomed part. The relationships I formed with my team grew much stronger over outreach than they had been over lecture phase, and I greatly enjoyed this strengthening.
I did update my blog a few times throughout, so I guess I'll just give a quick recap on the last two weeks of outreach. We left Durban and went to White River, South Africa. We were working in a branch of Iris ministries, founded by Heidi Baker in Mozambique. We stayed in Michael's Children's Village (MCV), the orphanage run by Iris. MCV puts all 18 of their children in family settings, so they grow up with a family dynamic. White River is a little more out in the bush than we were used to in Durban, but it was not far from a city called Nelspruit, which was very urban. I wish we had more time in White River, as I fell in love with the children and the missionaries there, but I think our entire team was exhausted and ready when it was time to go home. Looking back I think, "I totally could have held out for a few more weeks or months!" But at the time, it seemed absolutely impossible. I was so homesick.
The moments I cherished most from White River were:
- worshiping in the prayer circle
- dancing under the stars with my dear friends Emily Grace and Jesus
- all the fantastic tea times
- taco nights at Rich and Lynn's house
- the night I worshiped alone with Jesus and felt his presence more than ever before
- walking out to the swing with the kids the day we arrived
- painting the church with Joanie, Bryden, and Joshua (HAH!)
- Backdoor Church services
- anytime I was laughing or worshiping with my team
- cutting Dawson's beard with kiddie scissors
- napping with baby Cona
- Siyabonga running up to me shouting "Hannah!" and giving me a huge hug around the legs
- "Themba, Hannah, Themba, Hannah" "Themba, Hannah" "Close!" "Themba, Close"
There are so many moments I could put on that list. I'm grateful for such a fantastic team and outreach. I'm told, and I'm sure, it's incredibly rare.
And now there's a possibility I'll be flying up to NYC this week. New York City. haha Never thought I'd live there, but God is full of surprises. And GOOD surprises too. I just hate that people think my God is drab in any way. He's only the goodest good. And the bestest best. The most exciting surprise. The most mysterious mystery. The most loving lover. What else do we want, but to be loved perfectly? We don't have to work for love, because He IS love and he gives himself FREELY to us. I've been learning so much about love lately.
I've said this to many people, but I just can't stop saying it. The world is so confused over love these days. "What is love?" "Why is love so confusing?" "Why can't we understand love?" "Why does love always feel like a battlefield?" But the Bible says, "GOD IS LOVE." So "Love" is a name of God. And God is incomprehensible. There's too much of Him--to much wonder for us to wrap our heads around. Thus, Love, being God, is too much for us to ever understand; Love isn't for us to figure out. Love is an honor, really, because when you love someone, you're feeling God's heart for them. So I've found that there is no fear and no shame in love. There isn't anything selfish in love. Emotions and love aren't the same thing. And as one of my friends pointed out, when you know that Love is simply letting God reach through you to touch another person, then it really helps distinguish between what is and isn't love. If what you feel towards someone isn't God's heart for them, it's lust and therefore, it's selfish...even if you feel like you're doing them good. If it isn't God's heart, it isn't good. God says He is good, and that if you're not for Him than you're against him, therefore, if it isn't of God, it isn't any good. I'm learning that I can love someone completely, and even when they don't love me back, I can have joy and peace about it because I've had the privilege of knowing God's heart for the person. And I haven't lost anything by loving them, because it was really God loving them through me--I've never experienced such joy and peace and FREEDOM as to know I can love anyone, anytime, all the time, and not have to worry about getting hurt, because it isn't my love that I'm giving away. And my hope is not in the affection of people. My hope is in the everlasting one. And that's where my hope will stay. All my needs are being met in Him.
Proverbs 19:22 "What a man desires is unfailing love"
So I have all I desire :)
"I lean not on my own understanding, my life is in the hands of the maker of heaven
I give it all to you, God, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.
And I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.
There's nothing I hold onto."
-United Pursuit Band.
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