learning

I'm sitting in a little bakery in San Pedro, trying to sum up my time here thus far. It's been extremely difficult. It's hard to live with two other girls in a room that's half the size of my bedroom at home. It's hard to live under someone else's rules and schedules. It's hard to adjust to the extreme heat here. It's hard to put up with the bugs. It's hard to always get into a sand filled bed. It's hard to go through testing and trials in a group of people where NO one has known me longer than two weeks. It's hard to have limited communication to home. There are a lot of hard things here.

BUT, I'm learning. God is teaching me patience and endurance and self-control. This morning in worship, I was dealing with so much anxiety and I really felt God telling me that I needed to surrender to Him. I forgot what surrendering looks like. Surrender is not just turning to God for things, or following him, but being enslaved to his will. Which means doing all he's called me to, and being able to do it confidently because my hope is in Him. Fortunately, his will is love; perfect love. He wills to love me perfectly and he is ABLE to love me perfectly. He will guide me by this love, if I surrender to Him. That's what I want. No more fear and anxiety, but trust and confidence that God has me.

NOWWWWW, i have to do the MASSSSIVE amount of reading assigned for next week. ugh. but i love the things i'm learning.

And have i mentioned that its beautiful here? perfect day :)

week 2, day 2

I really like how I'm being stretched here. It's not the kind of stretching I expected. I thought for sure that I'd be uneasy and overwhelmed by the over charasmatic worship and crazy teachings, but be holding on to what God had called me to. DP is nothing like that. No snake holders here. No one trying to make me speak in tongues. Yet, no one against the ideas. Yesterday was our first day of "class," which is basically a lecture and discussion. We talked about all kinds of things, all kinds of ideas and subjects of conflict among Christians. The idea we were centering around was the ability to question and compare our ideas and to be able to differentiate between what we THINK and what we KNOW. From there, the discussion went all over the place, but I really like where we took it. I know that before long, this group of people will be a group that I can talk to about almost anything. I'm already surprised at how much we've shared with each other, while being respectful. Like i've said before, i've really loved loved getting to spend so much time with God. Worship, Prayer, Intercession, Journaling, Reading the Word, and everything we do here is focused on Him. Of course there are still distractions. They're in our hearts. I'm trying so hard to stay focused, but even in lecture, even when we're discussing a topic i'm genuinely interested in, I find my thoughts shifting back home, or even to the crazy geckos outside. Sometimes my mind wonders to something significant, or something I really care about and need to spend time thinking and praying about, but other times I just find myself day dreaming about something perfectly useless, or i'll even just be so focused on a song playing in my head that I can't focus on God. That's been the most frustrating thing for me being here. I want so badly to devote my whole self to him, but it can be difficult to know how. Especially when you're surrounded by people who you have no history with...they don't know who you really are yet, so they can't exactly set you straight when you're off. I know that will change as I grow closer to my team, but its a little unsettling right now.

We got to practice intercession today for the first time. We were interceded for the day after we got here, but today we got to learn how. Intercession, as I have learned, is prayer on behalf of someone else. Asking God to do something specific for someone. We prayed for the victims of the fires in texas and God just brought to mind all kinds of things to pray for that I would never have thought of on my own. It's so cool to me when someone else starts interceding, and they're speaking words that God didn't place on your heart, but you know that they are from Him because you can feel the Holy Spirit moving inside of you. It took me a long time to recognize this as the Holy Spirit, and honestly, I was afraid to for a while because I didn't know what would happen. I am a little afraid to speak in tongues, to be honest. But I know that God is a good God, and if he wants to give me that gift, it's a good thing. So even though I am a little afraid, I am ready. It's like the feeling you get when you're cliff jumping. You're standing at the top, and you can't help but be a little scared, but you still wanna jump off. You're not exactly sure how its gonna go, or what its gonna feel like, but you'll go for it anyway. That's how I feel when the Holy Spirit moves in me.

Anyway, i'm just rambling on and on haha, i'll write more betterer stuff sometime later. like maybe after i go scuba diving this weekend :/ scarrrryyyyy hahaha.

quote

my favorite quote so far came from Simba during a volleyball game. Someone missed a pass and Simba said, "ahh don't beat yourself up about it, we'll do that for you." hahaha

week 2, day 1

I've been here in San Pedro for one week. My assesment of it thus far is that, while it may be paradise, I don't think I could live here long term. Between the heat and the bugs and the ferocious gaurd dogs, it's not the most comfortable setting for me, but the scenery is absolutely gorgeous here. more so than I've ever seen anywhere. And don't get me wrong either, I'm having the time of my life, it's just not "home" to me. But a magnificent place to be none the less. Let me give you a couple facts about Belize~

#1. Hardly anything is cold or dry in Belize. You go to bed sweating and wake up sweating and sweat or are in the water almost all day. The only cold things are drinks at the Palapa (which is our little soda bar thing out on the beach), orrr if you're the first to get to the water tank after the tank has been changed. That is all I can think of.

#2. They have geckoes in place of spiders here. And they make really loud clicking noises.

#3. Bug spray replaces makeup around here.

#4. A lot of people DO speak spanish here, even though mostly everyone told me they didn't haha

#5. We really do eat beans and rice everyday. And I could live off of only beans and rice forever. plus hot sauce.

#6. There are never to almost never shark attacks here in Belize, even though there are sharks. Wanna know why? Sharks attack in Florida because they cannot see well and will mistake a person for a seal. As soon as they taste a human though, they'll spit him back out. Here in Belize, the water is so clear that sharks see humans clearly and SWIM AWAY! I thought that was super cool.

#7. You may end up with more blood on the outside of your body than the inside at the end of the day, and may find bruises all over your body from beating yourself. Mosquitoes are brutal here.

#8. I've seen several iguanas here. It's a little odd to see an iguana on top of a building where I am used to seeing birds.

#9. Okay Tennessee, we thought WE had it bad with cicadas this year? Lemme tell you something. The cicadas here are as big as birds. Their bodies are at least 3 inches long and at least 1 inch wide and have HUGE butterfly like wings. And they scream. It doesn't sound like a bug noise, I thought birds were making the noise for the first couple of days, it's like a screeching.

That's all i got for now.
I got to learn how to sail this week!!!!!! I love it SO much, especially in this beautiful water. I can't even describe it. I just wanna go out there and sleep foever on the crystal blue waves. I also began my scuba diving training. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not excited about scuba diving at all, and I didn't like the training. BUT, I'm gonna suck it up and go ahead and try to get certified. Why nott? already half way there.

I really love being able to spend this much time devoted and focused on God all the time. It's making me realize that I need to be this focused, if not more so, in my everyday life. I'm seeking to get into the habit of spending hours in the word and prayer. And worshipping daily. And surrounding myself with people I can discuss and grow with. There has been a lot of soul stretching going on here. I've had to open up to 25 people I hardly know. None of them know my history or where I come from, they only have what I tell them. It's kind of an odd feeling. I've been blessed enough to live for so long in a community where I COULD have been seeking and growing in the Lord this much, but I may not always have that privelege. I've got to learn to be so devoted and focused on God no matter where He puts me. no matter what type of surroundings.

I'm sorry, friends and family that I haven't touched base with enough. Internet is extremely limited here. Plus I've been trying not to worry about media stuff so mcuh while I'm here, so please don't be offended. I love all of you so mcuh and cannot wait to talk to you. thanks for all the prayer and support, I feel God's hand with me. I'm praying for all of you back home as well.

Belize!!!!

I wrote this wednesday...

So, my first blog post in Belize. I can't even begin to get my thoughts straight. I'll start with my travel experience. I had a relatively easy and super blessed journey here to San Pedro. Sure there were tiny bumps, but nothing that pulled me from my course. Like I mentioned before on facebook and have received many questions over, I was being followed by an El Salvadorian after my first flight. He wasn't just creepin on me though, he was trying to get to his gate to go to El Salvador. I had been sitting next to this approximately 40 year old man on the previous plane and at some point during the flight, we had discussed where we were headed. My next gate was E35. His gate was E2. So, he then told me that since Atlanta is an uncomfortably large airport, and he didn't know where I was heading, he was going to follow me there. I kind of nervously laughed, and as soon as I figured out where I was going, I BOOKED. I thought that I had to anyway, seeing as I arrived in the A terminal and had to get to E35 in 15 mins. I was sure I had lost him, until I heard a voice, practically on my ear saying "So uh, where we go-een?" I half jumped, and tried to explain to him how to get there. Funny thing is, my parents had told me several times before I left that it wasn't my job to help people through the airport because often times people will act like they need help so that they can mug you. I didn't encourage this guy in any way to follow me, but at the same time, I didn't even have the time to point him to other assistance. So, I figured as long as I was very aware of my belongings, it wouldn't hurt for him to follow me...if he could keep up. I felt like the mother of this 40 year old man as I had to explain to him that we had to go down the escalator to get to the train, and once on the train we had to get off at the E terminal because our gates were in the E terminal. He asked so many questions, but I couldn't help but acknowledge the fact that if I was acting like Christ as I claim to, I would help those who asked at my own expense. Besides, I had my backpack in front of me the whole time, with my arms in the straps so that no one could touch my bag without me seeing it. I directed him to his gate, and found mine easily. To my surprise, I had an additional 30 minutes before boarding, THANKS JESUS. So, i got to go grab starbucks. When I returned to my gate, 2 girls, from my DTS, Dani and Megan, were sitting there as well, THANKS JESUS. Turns out, mine and Megan's seats were right next to eachother, and there were empty seats next to us so Dani got to sit next to us. THANKS JESUS. All of the guys from our DTS were on the same plane, but we didn't meet them until we got to Belize.

There were two Christ followers (decidedly not missionaries), sitting behind Megan and I on the flight to Belize. They were asking about YWAM and explained that they worked with kids in Barranco, Belize. From the Belize City airport, we had to take a 15 minute puddle jumper to San Pedro. Everyone else in my DTS had scheduled their flight with the other airline and left right away. I was a little bummed that I was the only one on Maya Island Air, and sat alone at the gate for what seemed like a long time. I wondered if I was going to be the only one on the flight. Then, the couple doing work in Barranco came walking up and sat with me. They told me that they originally came to Belize for retirement, but saw the need and accepted their call to help. They told me that Barranco has a strong culture of witchcraft and they are not accepting of missionaries, mostly because the missionaries that have gone to Barranco previously made a bad name for themselves. So, they felt the call to be good neighbors, and when the Belizeans ask what is different, they share the Gospel. They had been driving down from Michigan to Belize for years, they explained, but now it's too dangerous to drive due to corrupt government in Mexico. They told me some wonderful stories from their journeys and I want to share one. Apparently, they had stopped somewhere in Mexico and needed to stay the night. Van and Patty (the non-missionaries) spoke no spanish, and the hotel owner in town spoke verrrry limited English. They tried and tried to book rooms for the night, one for them and one for their grand daughter, but the hotel owner would not rent them a room longer than 3 hours. They were confused and frustrated until they realized they were not in a hotel, they were in a brothel. As they walked away, the "hotel" owner finally realized what they were asking for and came running after them, saying that he would give Van and Patty two rooms across from each other for the night. "Just don't let the girl turn the TV on!" he warned. So, they stayed. They stayed the night in a brothel!! What commitment! Van jokingly explained, "They gave me a discount since I brought my own women." Haha I was astounded at their passion and zealousy. For some reason, I often think of passion and zealousy as being "young people things." Van and Patty proved me wrong. They told me I could come visit them whenever I wanted, and gave me some very good advice. They said: wherever in the world you go, whenever you meet people from other places, get their contact information. You may need it someday. You never know where you're gonna need to go, and if you're gonna need connections.

I thought that was golden information.

Finally, my puddle jumper was ready to go, and there were 4 other passengers. This flight was one of the most scenic-ly beautiful moments of my entire life. The difference between the sea and sky was indistinguishable. All so blue and green. The water is so clear, I could see the underwater hills and mountains and holes from the sky!

From the airstrip in San Pedro, the other YWAMers that had arrived a while before me and I jumped onto a ski boat and drove to our base. I honestly think the water here is clearer than that in a swimming pool. The whole ride to the base I was thinking, "places like this actually exist? this trumps narnia, this trumps barbie mermaidia and fairytopia...i mean...this isn't real." But I soon came to the conclusion that I was foolish to believe that man's imagination could create more than his creator's. Thesis? Again? Really?

The Destination Paradise base used to be a resort and it is absolutely BEAUTIFUL. I love it here. We have spent most of the time we've been here swimming in the pool, snorkling (which I haven't done yet), kayaking (haven't done yet either), playing volleyball, fun ice breakerish games, card games, guitar playing/ singing, reading, journaling, small group praying....ohh and eating beans and rice. :) OH, and Megan, the girl who sat next to me on the plane, just so happens to be my roommate...total coincidence, right?? ;)

Anyway, needless to say, I'm loving it here. Minute by minute I hear God speaking to me, and so much of what he's revealing to me is that he has prepared the way for me to be here. He really did want me here. And he really did want the rest of my DTS here. The faculty and staff and base directors are amazing. I couldn't imagine anything better...except a better bed maybe haha. the boards under my mattress move around, so that's a little disconcerting considering that I'm on the top bunk haha. We'll figure that one out.

Thank you so much everyone for all your prayers. I feel them. I feel the Holy Spirit here. I'm becoming aware that I feel it a lot, but push it away, and now that I'm here to focus on God and God alone, I'm starting to actually feel a relationship with the spirit of God. That's something I've never felt in this way before.

Anyway, i'll keep you all posted. thank you for everything :)