rest

I've been meaning to write a new post all semester. The delay has been partially due to Samford's internet security blocking my blog, and partially due to a mind-block. I haven't had anything to say because I haven't known what to think about all these overwhelming changes happening in my life since moving to college. I know I shouldn't let that stop me from writing, because Jesus most often teaches me things through my own writing. Looking back on something I've written, even if it sucks, helps me to heal, move on, and remind me that I never need to go there again. I'm always amazed at the things I don't remember feeling, but because I wrote them down, I can use them as a compass in making my next decision. God always seems to bring up those learned lessons at the exact right time.

It's finally fall break, and I have really been enjoying the relaxation. Lots of One Tree Hill. Lots of loud piano, loud guitar, and loud singing at the top of my lungs. Lots of driving through the country, looking at the changing colors. Lots of good talks with people I love. Lots of homework (because a real break is unrealistic). Lots of Jesus. Just a WHOLE lot of JESUS. bunches of Jesus. I love my Jesus.

I've been feeling down on motivation lately. But then the Holy Spirit comes to me and FILLS ME UP. and then I feel ready to accomplish huge tasks. I just haven't been putting enough effort in, lately. And that's changing right here and now.

That's what this post is. I know, it's scatter-brained. It isn't deep. Not even very long. But I'm writing again. And I'm actually trying to learn again. And the Holy Spirit is inspiring me to write new words and new songs, and I'm not going to let anything stop me from chasing after his voice. Jesus, the sound of your voice is PURPOSE to me. You are my LIFE. Don't ever let me forget that. 

I am lifeless without you.

Dead--on the ground.

All my life is in you, Papa. All that I cherish apart from you is dead and death. But all that is in you is life and hope and light.

I meant it when I said "I will not turn away."

I used to be a quitter, but you have made me persistent. I am bent on seeing your face.

Thank you for this rest, Jesus.

birth to death

A word that God gave me in Africa has been pressing on my heart a lot today.  Here on earth, we are made to believe that life has a climax, and once it's over, it's all downhill til death. People are constantly talking about "the glory days" of highschool or college or early adulthood, looking back and wishing things could be as they were. People are talking about being in the "prime" of their lives. Living it up while we're young. This is the only life we got. Cram as much as you can into the time you have. And any of us can live that lie if we choose to, but it isn't what we're created for. 

Life, in light of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, should be a growing and building process from birth to death.  As we step more and more into eternity with Him, we should only become more in-tune with His heart, His love and passion. We're not supposed to give it all we got for a little while and then "settle down" when we've done "enough." But if we love Christ, we give EVERYTHING to Him, because we know that there is nothing better than being fully in Him. The older I get, the more I want to leak Holy Spirit wonder from every seam of my being. The more I want to rage with the passion of my Christ. The more I want to lead and walk alongside others who are also seeking to bring Him glory.

When God gave me this word in Africa, it was to prophesy over some adults who apparently already know this truth full well--they're LIVING it. But today, God shared it with me again, and it was for me this time. I've been fearful and miserable and lacking in passion lately. I've been trying desperately to comprehend all the un-tied, extra-loose ends in my life lately. And maybe that's my problem: trying to understand life instead of trying to live it. And I've been busying myself with trying to "make every moment count." But some of the most meaningful moments come when you slow down and do everything to the glory of God.

I mess up all the time, but as I absolutely must proclaim everyday because I cannot do otherwise: Jesus has been FAITHFUL to me. Ain't nothin that can stop me from loving Him anymore. Because He loved me first, yes. But also, because He STILL loves me after all this.

And whatever "all this" is for you, I promise you, it isn't too much for Him to handle. If there are things you might be trying to hold onto, or trying to keep safe, know that His hands are the strongest and safest places.

"Love is doing what is best for someone. But making self the object of our highest affections is not best for us. It is, in fact, a lethal distraction. We were made to see and savor God--and savoring him, to be supremely satisfied, and thus spread in all the world the worth of his presence. Not to show people the all-satisfying God is not to love them. To make them feel good about themselves when they were made to feel good about seeing God is like taking someone to the Alps and locking them in a room full of mirrors." - John Piper, Don't Waste Your Life

Arise...your light has come

I came close to screaming out of Joy when I read this:


"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the LORD rises upon you and his glory appears over you. Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn. Lift up your eyes and look about you; All assemble and come to you; your sons come from afar, and your daughters are carried on the arm. Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will THROB and SWELL with JOY; the wealth on the seas will be brought to you, to you the riches of the nations will come. Herds of camels will cover your land, young camels of Midian and Ephah. And all from Sheba will come, bearing gold and incense and proclaiming the praise of the LORD." -Isaiah 60:1-6

blown away again

I've been reading through Isaiah lately, and I can't seem to get enough of it. This encouraged me so much this morning...literally built up COURAGE inside of me!!!


"Awake, awake! Clothe yourself with strength, O arm of the LORD; awake, as in days gone by, as in generations of old. Was it not you who cut Rahab to pieces, who pierced that monster through? Was it not you who dried up the sea, the waters of the great deep, who made a road in the depths of the sea so that the redeemed might cross over? The ransomed of the LORD will return. They will enter Zion with singing; EVERLASTING JOY will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away. I, even I, am he who comforts you. WHO ARE YOU THAT YOU FEAR MORTAL MEN, the sons of men, who are but grass, that you forget the LORD your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor, who is bent on destruction? For WHERE is the wrath of the oppressor? The cowering prisoners will soon be set free; they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread. For I am the LORD your God, who churns up the sea so that  its waves roar-- the LORD Almighty is his name. I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand-- I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, 'You are my people.' ...This is what your Sovereign LORD says, your God, WHO DEFENDS HIS PEOPLE: 'See, I have taken out of your hand he cup that made you stagger; from that cup, the goblet of my wrath, you will never drink again. I will put it into the hands of your tormentors, who said to you, 'Fall prostrate that we may walk over you' And you made your back like the ground, like a street to be walked over.' " -ISAIAH 51:9-16, 22-23


Simply blows my mind how, despite my yielding to those who only want to make me like a street and walk over me,  our maker continually seeks to DEFEND me and COMFORT me and give me everlasting joy to crown my head. HE IS SOOOO FAITHFUL, even while I'm unfaithful.

"Material wealth doesn't make us happy. Listen to some of the wealthiest people of their day:

-'The care of $200 million is enough to kill anyone. There is no pleasure in it.' W.H. Vanderbilt

-'I am the most miserable man on earth.' John Jacob Astor

-'I have made many millions, but they have brought me no happiness.' John D. Rockefeller

-'Millionaires seldom smile.' Andrew Carnegie

-'I was happier when doing a mechanic's job.' Henry Ford"

-Randy Alcorn

I See Heaven

Just a little over two weeks left here in NYC. That's a little bit crazy. The two months of internship haven't exactly flown by, but still...it's somehow hard to believe they're almost over. I think that weird feeling I always get when a season of my life is ending might be because I wasn't made for endings--I was made for something never ending. If I have only learned one thing from this internship, (which isn't the case), I have learned more and more about experiencing the Kingdom of God. I've been seeing that veil pulled back in more ways than I can count, and seeing glimpses of the Kingdom here on earth; glimpses of my Jesus, here on earth. And could I ask for more? I've been seeing how short life is in the fullness of creation. Yeah, if I've gained one thing here in NYC, it's been new sight. I don't see people or circumstances the same way I used to. I don't see media or materialism even sort of how I used to. There is now only one thing I set any weight in--Love.

In Belize, before we left for outreach, we broke up into groups and discussed what we wanted to see happen during outreach; the changes we wanted to see made in ourselves. That was a very memorable night for me; under that elegant sky; broad and lit with the brightest stars. Among other things, I wanted to learn how to Love people well. And I mean REALLY Love people. Not to love for my own sake, but to Love others in order that they may be lifted up. HE said, "ask, and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you." And he wasn't kidding. Since then, I've learned so much about Love...what it is and what it isn't. What are right expressions of Love and what are wrong expressions of love. And I know I have an infinite amount more to learn about Love. And I know this because the greatest thing I've learned is that GOD IS LOVE. This finally became more than head knowledge to me right before I came to New York. It finally fell down into my heart, where I was able to understand and apply it. If God is Love, then Love is a name of God; Love is infinite, as is God. So, I'll never understand it in full. But I have come to understand this: that any true Love is from God. If you feel something for someone that isn't from God--in other words, isn't God's heart for that person; isn't what God wants for that person--it IS NOT Love. It's lust or pride or something else, but it is not Love. And a lot of this, I've said before...so I'm sorry for repeating myself. It's good for me to remember.

I guess, while I've been here, there have just been new developments to that line of thinking. And I have had the privilege of seeing some of the behind the scenes of the fashion industry, and so, gotten to see how much of it is real. The answer is, not much. And I've been BLESSED by the opportunity to see reality. God knew what he was doing by bringing me here. I needed this to keep on healing. I needed this new sight and new perspective of life to be able to go out and do what He has truly called me to. And I've been newly motivated, more so, and more rightly so, than ever before, I think. I wanna be who He made me to be. I want to be an elegant, beautiful woman of God and I want to be a fierce warrior of His Kingdom, and I get to be both if I let Him develop those characters in me.

Funny how my definitions of "elegance" and "beauty" and "ferocity" have morphed. Again, I don't see things the same as I used to. I have seen how God's favor in my life outweighs the rules and circumstances of this world. I have seen how Love transforms. I have seen how Love always protects. I have seen how heart break corrupts, but Hope restores! I have seen, seen, seen God at work and His Kingdom coming to earth. Interesting: we are called to live by faith and not by sight, yet I find that the more faith I have, the more I see!

And so, I've been holding to and rejoicing in the words of this song, lately:

"I See Heaven"

I see heaven, invading this place,

I see angels, Praising Your Holy Name
And I sing praises

I sing praises

I give You honor

Worthy Jesus

I see Glory, Falling in this place
I see hope restored, healing of all disease
And I sing praises

I sing praises

I give You honor

Worthy Jesus

We give You Praise, and all of the Honor
You are our God, the one we live for
We give You Praise, and all of the Glory God

Let Your Presence fill this place, Let heaven come
Let Your angels be released, Let Heaven come
We will worship at Your feet, Let Heaven come
Face to face we want to meet, Let Heaven come

I don't really know where to end this entry. I guess just with the encouragement that if you're reading this and feeling even the least bit unfulfilled, I urge you to cry out to God! Don't be silent any more. He HEARS every word, and He longs for you. Every bit of you. He wants to put goodness, Joy, fulfillment, and peace, and a million other things in your life. And I'm not preaching the wealth and prosperity gospel; I won't tell you for a second that you'll be rich with anything in this world...but I promise you this. Joy is greater than wealth. And he will fill you with Joy. Ask, and it will be given to you.

"O LORD, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, 'God will not deliver him.' But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head." - Psalm 3:3 <3

He is everything.

Satan has literally attacked me in every aspect of my life I can imagine since I've been here in NYC. The beatings haven't ceased since I arrived. And still, through it all, I'm encouraged because I know that the attacks mean I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing what God has called me to. And I'm steadily seeing the veil pulled back and the Kingdom of God REVEALED! I couldn't ask for anything better. Nothing is more exciting! Praise you, Jesus!!!!!! Besides, Jesus has provided not only the amount of Peace and Joy and sustenance that I've needed to get through it, but even more than I need. He is everything.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." -Galations 2:20

-Jesus, let this be more true of my life every single day.

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." -Philippians 1:21

mmmm Jesus.

I think my heart just actually broke for the fashion industry. I'm tearing up as I'm realizing that, while I always thought they had what I needed, the reverse is true. I have what they're looking for: unfailing love.

"What a man desires is unfailing love..." Proverbs 19:22 I cannnot get enough of this verse. I keep learning more and more from it. The root of every sin and every addiction and every misguided passion comes from this desire for unfailing love; looking for it in the wrong place.

And again, I'm reminded of this verse, and why I'm here...I'll just let the word of God be my words and my purpose this morning:

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners...to comfort ALL who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations." (Isaiah 61:1, 3-4)

"I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." (Isaiah 61:10)

My zealousy toward Jesus just became overwhelming to the point I almost feel sick. I feel so strongly that there's nothing I desire but Christ, yet I know that I'm going to mess up and sin again, and the thought makes me want to rip my skin off. I'm so angry because hard as I try, I can't stay "good" for more than 5 seconds...honestly, not even that long. And maybe that's what I needed to learn this morning. How desperately my very flesh cries out for Christ, because without redemption, I would surely die. I couldn't stand to be alive knowing that I was hopeless to be good, and had no redemption from it. I'm finally realizing how undeserving I am of the life I have. I don't mean even the material things I'm blessed with: shelter, food, clothes, money...none of that. I mean my pulse. I mean my breath. I don't even mean physical or mental health. I mean the opportunity to be a human being, made for the very purpose to glorify my maker. And that, despite my desperate attempts to do Him wrong in my darkest moments, I do glorify Him. Because He is the one who makes beauty from ashes. He is the one who chooses the poor. He chooses the wayward. He brings them home, into a life full of wonder.

I'm picturing a plantation manor, in the dead of winter, surrounded by a snowstorm. The door is red, foretelling of the overwhelming warmth that wraps you as you enter. Discomfort isn't an option inside the manor; though, just a step outside would kill all comfort you carry. There are red velvet love seats near the fireplace,dark moss colored carpets stretch out over the deep brown hardwood floor, and Jesus wraps you in blankets and lays you down to rest there. This is where Jesus wants to bring us. Into rest. It glorifies the Father to have a house full of children that love Him...playing, laughing, singing, dancing, and resting in the warmth of His presence.And why wouldn't we want to be there? Anywhere else is the snowstorm.

All of us inside eagerly await the summer's arrival: when Jesus comes back and creates the new heaven and new earth. Then we will get to experience even more of the splendor of God. But in the meantime, we get to rest with him.

I think I understand my calling more now. That everyone who is outside the home--whether they're a model in New York, or an orphan in Africa, or someone in Franklin--they're all outside in the same snowstorm, and God has called me to bring them home. Bring them into the warmth. Bring them into rest; they don't have to fight for themselves anymore.

This is all of our call.

What a sweet life it is with the Father. I'm so happy to be a child in his household. Lord, help me to never forget this image. I want everyday to be a day in the warmth of your presence, and the grace of your laughter. There's nothing I want more.

And how like you this is, to bring me from a broken heart, straight into hope. How like you!

Love you, Papa.

NYC Fashion Week Outreach 2012

Running along the water this morning brought me back. Though the greenish Hudson is no comparison to the crystal Belizean waters, and the icy air is biting at me instead of mosquitoes (thank you Jesus!), I soaked in thoughts of the incredible blessings and goodness God has graced me with. Foremost being His presence in my life.

I struggle to even believe all that's happened over the past 5 1/2 months, because it's been so life transforming! And now I'm in New York. New York City. How did this happen, really? Before YWAM, you couldn't have payed me to do an internship in New York City because it seemed like a cold, dark place. Now, my heart has been totally transformed by God and I LOVE NYC. It was a bit of a hectic week getting up here. I found out Monday of last week that I was coming, and tried to make it up by that Wednesday...finding plane tickets and housing was a bit of chaos, but God worked it out perfectly. I made it up by that Friday, the 10th, day 2 of Fashion Week 2012. Here I am a week later, trying desperately to recap on the past week....and my mind is whirling like crazy! So much happened; so much that I wasn't expecting happened. This is what NYC Fashion Week 2012 looked like through my eyes:

GOD'S LOVE BREAKING THROUGH!

In greater detail: Models for Christ (MFC), the ministry I'm interning with, had a room set up with food and refreshments at the American Bible Society. Two YWAM teams from the Kona base joined with us as part of their outreach to NYC. They were so awesome to do ministry with!!! First of all, simply being around YWAMers brought me so much comfort--YWAM just feels like family now, and I can relate to many of their experiences and teachings, so it brought me so much peace to be surrounded by these "familiar" people my first week in the big city! Total blessing from God! Thank you Jesus! So, the YWAM team would split up into groups everyday--some would hand out postcards inviting fashion professionals back to the American Bible Society (ABS) for free food, water, prayer, and basically just lovin (though we didn't word it that way). Other teams would prayer walk, or sit in the atrium of ABS to welcome anyone who came looking for MFC, some would hang out in the courtyard of the Lincoln Center next to the tents and talk to photographers and bloggers, others would stay stationed in the room at ABS to "burn" (spend specific time in praise, worship, and prayer for the fashion industry and specifically for friends of MFC in the industry).

I think most everyone's favorite assignment was "accessing the tents." There were huge "tents" set up behind the Lincoln Center (an amazing performing arts center in Manhattan), where the fashion shows were being held. I say "tents" because you wouldn't know it wasn't a real building if they didn't call them "the tents."

this is the entrance to the "tents"

Walking in, there are different displays set up:

a Tresseme hair salon (2 stories) where you could get your hair done for free

Two different Mercedes were on display and people to take your picture with them. These dresses were on display next to one of the cars:

A Diet Pepsi station displayed some outfits designed by up and coming designers (and gave free diet pepsi with a fancy straw!).

There was a Maybelline makeup counter where they would sometimes give away free make up:

Interesting how it looks like she has devil horns in this picture, huh?

An Essie station giving away free nail polish, a Fiber One platform giving away free bars, another platform where you could have your picture taken and printed for free, there was a separate room with really fine jewelry on display ....I mean, this place was crazy...and it was just the lobby to hang out in between shows. There were two or three other rooms inside the tents where the shows were held. There was also a courtyard in the center of it all with fancy couches and fancy heaters. The thing about Fashion Week is that you have to receive an "invite" to be a part of it. Famous models, bloggers, photographers, buyers, sponsors and maybe celebrities would be invited to these shows to see the first glimpses of the new lines for this coming fall. So, to get in the tents to see a show, you had to have "credentials," which was a lanyard that would usually have the name of the show you were going to see. No one was allowed to get into the tents without credentials...except us? Yep, somehow, by the grace of God, we were able to easily get inside the tents...and I don't even mean sneaking. I mean walking right up to the guards, telling them which show we were going to see, and them letting us in. That doesn't happen. More than once, I saw the guards turning people away, but when I walked up, they let me right in. I always prayed before trying to get into the tents, and I never once was turned away! The YWAMers did the same, and I think some of them were turned away once or twice, but in comparison to how much they got IN the tents, that was NOTHING. I just know that it was God's favor. I learned a lot about the power of God's favor through this experience actually. The first day I went to access the tents, I was literally in jeans, a t-shirt, and cardigan. I thought I was going to be staying at ABS all day, so I didn't get dressed up. I looked in NO way like I was about to go to a show. And yet they let me in, no questions asked. with NO credentials.

yeah, this was that day....omg

Two other times, I totally messed up when talking to the guards. When he asked what show I was going to, I said "the Donna Karen New York show," and he went on to tell me that was about 40 streets away!! BUT, he then let me into the tent anyway!!! makes no sense. The next time, the guard asked me what show I was going to see, and I then realized I hadn't thought to look up what shows were about to happen, so I said, "I'm actually just going to meet up with some friends," and he let me in. I realized that when God wants you to do something, never doubt your capability because NOTHING but your obedience is dependent on yourself. He makes the illogical happen. I can understand why the logically minded have a hard time believing Christianity, because so much of it doesn't make sense. So much of it breaks the rules of the world. But we know not heaven's limits. Or lack thereof.

Once inside the tents, we would talk with people working the different stations, people going to see shows, models, bloggers, photographers, and just love on them. It has really amazed me how much New Yorkers appreciate prayer. When you can just walk up to someone and genuinely care about them and take some of your time to just pay specific attention to them, expecting nothing in return, it means something to them. I feel like in Franklin, "I'll pray for you" is thrown around so easily to a point that it no longer has meaning or power. The phrase doesn't even mean what you're implying. "I'll pray for you" usually means, "Wow, what you're going through is really rough and I feel sorry for you and I'll sympathize with you until it's better." Of course, not everyone means it that way, many are genuine when they commit to prayer, but I'll confess that I haven't been so genuine. I have just begun to be more committed and intentional about taking specific time to pray for people. Prayer is so powerful, and I kinda hate that it's one of those things we won't understand til heaven haha, cause I wanna know how it works. Regardless, it works.

Getting inside the tents doesn't mean you'll get in a show, however we did get into several shows.

This is Rebekah who "somehow" found herself with some credentials, though I believe in no coincidences. She made it into several shows!

I got into the Emilio Cavallini show with some of the YWAMers. This is the only picture I feel comfortable posting from that show haha:

Wow, there was spiritual warfare inside that show like nothing I've ever felt. 5 or 6 models, not much older than me, walked out on stage in bra and underwear, and basically made a sexual display of getting dressed. Each one of them either looked like they were about to cry, or they had an angry look of disgust on their face, as if to say "Go ahead and use me; I'm not worth anything." I had a hard time not breaking down in sobs during that show, but it gave me such a better understanding of why I'm here in NYC. I wanted so badly to go to those girls after the show and tell them their true worth, and that they didn't have to pose mostly naked in front of hundreds of men with cameras in order to make something of themselves. I wouldn't even know how to do that at this point, but I have faith that God will guide me to get to love on girls like them at some point.

Thursday night, I got to work at a show! Haha, I didn't have a big important job, wasn't super involved, but it was exciting for me! I got to tell the models when it was their turn to walk down the runway haha. Again, I think what I mostly gained from this was just better understanding of the behind the scenes of the industry.

So, it was so much fun to get to love on such a wide variety of people involved in the fashion industry throughout the past week. I'm so glad I got to make it up here for fashion week because it really lit a new understanding and passion for the kind of ministry I'll be doing here.

Prayer requests: that I would keep a level head in such a self-absorbed culture. I want my heart to be after Jesus only, and not pursuing my own ends. Also, my skin is SOOOO DRYYYY hahaha going from Africa to freezing cold is just shocking my body, and I'm cold almost all the time, so I guess just that I would be able to adjust to this place in body and mind, but in a Christ-like and Christ-centered way. :) Thanks for all your prayers and support already.

Well dressed YWAMers with their new friend, Steven Stiles (Styles? idk haha appropriate).

YWAMers (squinting because of the sun), hanging out with a photographer outside the Lincoln Center.

The whole crew (minus Leah). Loved meeting you all and getting to do ministry with you :))

internship!

I found out today that I was accepted for an internship with Models for Christ in New York City! I'll be leaving sometime this week, and staying in New York for about 2 months. waohhh, it's still so crazy to look back on my life a few years ago, even just a few months ago, and see how much I've changed. I hope it continues to feel this crazy. Before, I could have never pictured myself living in a big city; I've been raised a small-town girl. Now, I couldn't be more excited :) NYC Fashion Week 2012, get ready to experience the outrageous love of Jesus Christ!

I give it all to YOU

Goodness, I have a lot to catch up on and I don't really know where to begin. I've been home for 2 weeks now, and it's been crazy weird. I'm already bored. I miss having hard work to do. I really miss being surrounded by lots of children all the time. I really really extremely miss living in a family of 14. My family of 6 with one at college seems incredibly small now. But every few seconds, something reminds me of what an incredible thing God has done in my life over the past few months. And I remember the wonders He has shown me in this world.

I guess it was a combination of my desperation and the sailing that attracted me to Belize, and every time I was out on that warm, crystal blue water, I remembered the passions God gave me and my heart was again filled with wonder. To me, there was nothing that exemplified God's glory more than being out on that water in San Pedro. I hardly stopped smiling out there... it wasn't the actual hobby cat that made me love sailing, it was being out there in the wonder of God. There's little that reflects God's mystery as the water does. And I felt so in danger, but so in love out there.

So aside from forming irreplaceable friendships, I enjoyed sailing the most, but I learned the most from having to face my fears. And isn't it just like God to teach us even in the circumstances we don't like? Because, he could just teach us through the good things, but even when we're afraid (which is rebellion against His security, really), he reveals to us His love...and often we feel it even more when he loves us in our fears. He truly is the Redeemer. For example, one of the first lessons God taught me in Belize was through scuba diving. I was terrified to go. I didn't even kind of want to. I was about to cry getting on the boat to go. But God talked to me on the way out there. He told me that I can either give my situation over to fear, and guarantee that I'll have a horrible time, or I can give the situation over to Him, trusting that He wants the best for me, and see what happens. So I gave scuba diving over to Him, and decided to wait to be upset until something bad happened. The truth is, I had a really good time. And I got to experience the mystery and presence of God in an entirely new way. I wouldn't hurry off to go scuba diving again, but it was a priceless experience for me, because I learned so much about the peace of Christ. Especially when we did the exercise where we had to take our masks off at the bottom of the ocean, put them back on, and clear them. I was doing fairly well up to that point. But when I put my mask on and tried to clear it, I couldn't get it clear and I started having a total panic attack, but God literally took hold of me and told me to stop panicking; I could still breathe, I just couldn't see, I was going to be fine. So, peace immediately overcame me, and I put my mask on again and cleared it just fine. I don't know if I was crying or not at this point, since my face was already too wet to tell, but I was really shaken up. Still, I felt a preciousness of God's love in that moment. I felt so helpless, but so held by Him. Daddy weren't about to let nothin happen to me.

Sometimes, days in Belize felt slow-moving and were difficult to get through. A lot of learning and stretching and growing was taking place, and I would get homesick. When we were leaving for outreach, though, I couldn't believe our lecture phase was over! The 3 months had passed in what seemed like a finger snap.

Outreach was unbelievable. I finally came to know the Holy Spirit; a concept I was afraid to explore before. Now, I cannot imagine my life without the Holy Spirit being a welcomed part. The relationships I formed with my team grew much stronger over outreach than they had been over lecture phase, and I greatly enjoyed this strengthening.

I did update my blog a few times throughout, so I guess I'll just give a quick recap on the last two weeks of outreach. We left Durban and went to White River, South Africa. We were working in a branch of Iris ministries, founded by Heidi Baker in Mozambique. We stayed in Michael's Children's Village (MCV), the orphanage run by Iris. MCV puts all 18 of their children in family settings, so they grow up with a family dynamic. White River is a little more out in the bush than we were used to in Durban, but it was not far from a city called Nelspruit, which was very urban. I wish we had more time in White River, as I fell in love with the children and the missionaries there, but I think our entire team was exhausted and ready when it was time to go home. Looking back I think, "I totally could have held out for a few more weeks or months!" But at the time, it seemed absolutely impossible. I was so homesick.

The moments I cherished most from White River were:

• worshiping in the prayer circle
• dancing under the stars with my dear friends Emily Grace and Jesus
• all the fantastic tea times
• taco nights at Rich and Lynn's house
• the night I worshiped alone with Jesus and felt his presence more than ever before
• walking out to the swing with the kids the day we arrived
• painting the church with Joanie, Bryden, and Joshua (HAH!)
• Backdoor Church services
• anytime I was laughing or worshiping with my team
• cutting Dawson's beard with kiddie scissors
• napping with baby Cona
• Siyabonga running up to me shouting "Hannah!" and giving me a huge hug around the legs
• "Themba, Hannah, Themba, Hannah" "Themba, Hannah" "Close!" "Themba, Close"

There are so many moments I could put on that list. I'm grateful for such a fantastic team and outreach. I'm told, and I'm sure, it's incredibly rare.

Since I've been home, I've had plenty of those Frodo moments we talked about in debrief. Those moments when you feel like the whole world has changed, and you've journeyed far, and seen much, but you're shocked to find how "the same" everything is at home. Wish i had started numbering those moments. I'm having one as I sit here in starbucks haha a moment I've anticipated for months, but now that I'm sitting here, I'm wondering if I'm dreaming and I'm gonna wake up back at the flat in Durban, or at Michael's Children's Village in White River...or in...Belize? haha it's been a long time now since Belize, which is a crazy thought!

And now there's a possibility I'll be flying up to NYC this week. New York City. haha Never thought I'd live there, but God is full of surprises. And GOOD surprises too. I just hate that people think my God is drab in any way. He's only the goodest good. And the bestest best. The most exciting surprise. The most mysterious mystery. The most loving lover. What else do we want, but to be loved perfectly? We don't have to work for love, because He IS love and he gives himself FREELY to us. I've been learning so much about love lately.

I've said this to many people, but I just can't stop saying it. The world is so confused over love these days. "What is love?" "Why is love so confusing?" "Why can't we understand love?" "Why does love always feel like a battlefield?" But the Bible says, "GOD IS LOVE." So "Love" is a name of God. And God is incomprehensible. There's too much of Him--to much wonder for us to wrap our heads around. Thus, Love, being God, is too much for us to ever understand; Love isn't for us to figure out. Love is an honor, really, because when you love someone, you're feeling God's heart for them. So I've found that there is no fear and no shame in love. There isn't anything selfish in love. Emotions and love aren't the same thing. And as one of my friends pointed out, when you know that Love is simply letting God reach through you to touch another person, then it really helps distinguish between what is and isn't love. If what you feel towards someone isn't God's heart for them, it's lust and therefore, it's selfish...even if you feel like you're doing them good. If it isn't God's heart, it isn't good. God says He is good, and that if you're not for Him than you're against him, therefore, if it isn't of God, it isn't any good. I'm learning that I can love someone completely, and even when they don't love me back, I can have joy and peace about it because I've had the privilege of knowing God's heart for the person. And I haven't lost anything by loving them, because it was really God loving them through me--I've never experienced such joy and peace and FREEDOM as to know I can love anyone, anytime, all the time, and not have to worry about getting hurt, because it isn't my love that I'm giving away. And my hope is not in the affection of people. My hope is in the everlasting one. And that's where my hope will stay. All my needs are being met in Him.

Proverbs 19:22 "What a man desires is unfailing love"

So I have all I desire :)

"I lean not on my own understanding, my life is in the hands of the maker of heaven

I give it all to you, God, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.

And I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.

There's nothing I hold onto."

-United Pursuit Band.