internship!

I found out today that I was accepted for an internship with Models for Christ in New York City! I'll be leaving sometime this week, and staying in New York for about 2 months. waohhh, it's still so crazy to look back on my life a few years ago, even just a few months ago, and see how much I've changed. I hope it continues to feel this crazy. Before, I could have never pictured myself living in a big city; I've been raised a small-town girl. Now, I couldn't be more excited :) NYC Fashion Week 2012, get ready to experience the outrageous love of Jesus Christ!

I give it all to YOU

Goodness, I have a lot to catch up on and I don't really know where to begin. I've been home for 2 weeks now, and it's been crazy weird. I'm already bored. I miss having hard work to do. I really miss being surrounded by lots of children all the time. I really really extremely miss living in a family of 14. My family of 6 with one at college seems incredibly small now. But every few seconds, something reminds me of what an incredible thing God has done in my life over the past few months. And I remember the wonders He has shown me in this world.

I guess it was a combination of my desperation and the sailing that attracted me to Belize, and every time I was out on that warm, crystal blue water, I remembered the passions God gave me and my heart was again filled with wonder. To me, there was nothing that exemplified God's glory more than being out on that water in San Pedro. I hardly stopped smiling out there... it wasn't the actual hobby cat that made me love sailing, it was being out there in the wonder of God. There's little that reflects God's mystery as the water does. And I felt so in danger, but so in love out there.

So aside from forming irreplaceable friendships, I enjoyed sailing the most, but I learned the most from having to face my fears. And isn't it just like God to teach us even in the circumstances we don't like? Because, he could just teach us through the good things, but even when we're afraid (which is rebellion against His security, really), he reveals to us His love...and often we feel it even more when he loves us in our fears. He truly is the Redeemer. For example, one of the first lessons God taught me in Belize was through scuba diving. I was terrified to go. I didn't even kind of want to. I was about to cry getting on the boat to go. But God talked to me on the way out there. He told me that I can either give my situation over to fear, and guarantee that I'll have a horrible time, or I can give the situation over to Him, trusting that He wants the best for me, and see what happens. So I gave scuba diving over to Him, and decided to wait to be upset until something bad happened. The truth is, I had a really good time. And I got to experience the mystery and presence of God in an entirely new way. I wouldn't hurry off to go scuba diving again, but it was a priceless experience for me, because I learned so much about the peace of Christ. Especially when we did the exercise where we had to take our masks off at the bottom of the ocean, put them back on, and clear them. I was doing fairly well up to that point. But when I put my mask on and tried to clear it, I couldn't get it clear and I started having a total panic attack, but God literally took hold of me and told me to stop panicking; I could still breathe, I just couldn't see, I was going to be fine. So, peace immediately overcame me, and I put my mask on again and cleared it just fine. I don't know if I was crying or not at this point, since my face was already too wet to tell, but I was really shaken up. Still, I felt a preciousness of God's love in that moment. I felt so helpless, but so held by Him. Daddy weren't about to let nothin happen to me.

Sometimes, days in Belize felt slow-moving and were difficult to get through. A lot of learning and stretching and growing was taking place, and I would get homesick. When we were leaving for outreach, though, I couldn't believe our lecture phase was over! The 3 months had passed in what seemed like a finger snap.

Outreach was unbelievable. I finally came to know the Holy Spirit; a concept I was afraid to explore before. Now, I cannot imagine my life without the Holy Spirit being a welcomed part. The relationships I formed with my team grew much stronger over outreach than they had been over lecture phase, and I greatly enjoyed this strengthening.

I did update my blog a few times throughout, so I guess I'll just give a quick recap on the last two weeks of outreach. We left Durban and went to White River, South Africa. We were working in a branch of Iris ministries, founded by Heidi Baker in Mozambique. We stayed in Michael's Children's Village (MCV), the orphanage run by Iris. MCV puts all 18 of their children in family settings, so they grow up with a family dynamic. White River is a little more out in the bush than we were used to in Durban, but it was not far from a city called Nelspruit, which was very urban. I wish we had more time in White River, as I fell in love with the children and the missionaries there, but I think our entire team was exhausted and ready when it was time to go home. Looking back I think, "I totally could have held out for a few more weeks or months!" But at the time, it seemed absolutely impossible. I was so homesick.

The moments I cherished most from White River were:

• worshiping in the prayer circle
• dancing under the stars with my dear friends Emily Grace and Jesus
• all the fantastic tea times
• taco nights at Rich and Lynn's house
• the night I worshiped alone with Jesus and felt his presence more than ever before
• walking out to the swing with the kids the day we arrived
• painting the church with Joanie, Bryden, and Joshua (HAH!)
• Backdoor Church services
• anytime I was laughing or worshiping with my team
• cutting Dawson's beard with kiddie scissors
• napping with baby Cona
• Siyabonga running up to me shouting "Hannah!" and giving me a huge hug around the legs
• "Themba, Hannah, Themba, Hannah" "Themba, Hannah" "Close!" "Themba, Close"

There are so many moments I could put on that list. I'm grateful for such a fantastic team and outreach. I'm told, and I'm sure, it's incredibly rare.

Since I've been home, I've had plenty of those Frodo moments we talked about in debrief. Those moments when you feel like the whole world has changed, and you've journeyed far, and seen much, but you're shocked to find how "the same" everything is at home. Wish i had started numbering those moments. I'm having one as I sit here in starbucks haha a moment I've anticipated for months, but now that I'm sitting here, I'm wondering if I'm dreaming and I'm gonna wake up back at the flat in Durban, or at Michael's Children's Village in White River...or in...Belize? haha it's been a long time now since Belize, which is a crazy thought!

And now there's a possibility I'll be flying up to NYC this week. New York City. haha Never thought I'd live there, but God is full of surprises. And GOOD surprises too. I just hate that people think my God is drab in any way. He's only the goodest good. And the bestest best. The most exciting surprise. The most mysterious mystery. The most loving lover. What else do we want, but to be loved perfectly? We don't have to work for love, because He IS love and he gives himself FREELY to us. I've been learning so much about love lately.

I've said this to many people, but I just can't stop saying it. The world is so confused over love these days. "What is love?" "Why is love so confusing?" "Why can't we understand love?" "Why does love always feel like a battlefield?" But the Bible says, "GOD IS LOVE." So "Love" is a name of God. And God is incomprehensible. There's too much of Him--to much wonder for us to wrap our heads around. Thus, Love, being God, is too much for us to ever understand; Love isn't for us to figure out. Love is an honor, really, because when you love someone, you're feeling God's heart for them. So I've found that there is no fear and no shame in love. There isn't anything selfish in love. Emotions and love aren't the same thing. And as one of my friends pointed out, when you know that Love is simply letting God reach through you to touch another person, then it really helps distinguish between what is and isn't love. If what you feel towards someone isn't God's heart for them, it's lust and therefore, it's selfish...even if you feel like you're doing them good. If it isn't God's heart, it isn't good. God says He is good, and that if you're not for Him than you're against him, therefore, if it isn't of God, it isn't any good. I'm learning that I can love someone completely, and even when they don't love me back, I can have joy and peace about it because I've had the privilege of knowing God's heart for the person. And I haven't lost anything by loving them, because it was really God loving them through me--I've never experienced such joy and peace and FREEDOM as to know I can love anyone, anytime, all the time, and not have to worry about getting hurt, because it isn't my love that I'm giving away. And my hope is not in the affection of people. My hope is in the everlasting one. And that's where my hope will stay. All my needs are being met in Him.

Proverbs 19:22 "What a man desires is unfailing love"

So I have all I desire :)

"I lean not on my own understanding, my life is in the hands of the maker of heaven

I give it all to you, God, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.

And I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.

There's nothing I hold onto."

-United Pursuit Band.

last post from durban!

Although very difficult at times, the 7 days have compiled the coolest week of outreach so far. Thinking back to last saturday…We went and preached in the streets for the first time. We've done other kinds of street ministry: treasure hunting, prayer walking, picking up trash etc. and seen God work in each situation, but this was the first time we actually stood before a crowd in the streets--both nerve wracking and exciting. We were able to rent a sound system from another street performer and played music, attempted some "Zulu dancing" (well, our outreach leader, Noah, did), performed the Everything skit. then Noah preached and our friend Sifiso translated into Zulu. Afterward, they asked the crowd if anyone would like healing or would like to receive Christ. Probably about 10 people came up. I don't know all of the stories of what took place then; I only know about the woman I prayed for. She had pain in her back and a headache. I took authority in Jesus' name over the pain twice and she said nothing happened. I prayed one more time, still taking authority, and the pain left. She was so shocked she almost passed out! She looked at me like I was crazy, told me the pain was gone, and that she was very dizzy. Then she walked away…thankful and…really freaked out. haha. I was SO excited because I LOVE to see God work like that! Later that day I prayed over another lady who had a pain on each of her sides and a headache that wouldn't go away. I prayed over her multiple times and she looked at me really strangely, and said thank you. I asked if the pain was gone and she said she still had pain and then walked away, seeming frustrated. I went and told Sifiso that I had prayed over this woman and nothing had happened and asked him to pray over her because I wasn't willing to give up. He went and began speaking to her in Zulu and then told me that the woman said both her headache and pain in one of her sides had left when I prayed over her, but there was only still pain in one side. Then I was SO stoked because I knew God really was at work. We prayed for her again and the last of the pain left her body!!! Praise Jesus! He is alive! I'm so done with my doubts.

Sunday, we had a wonderful family Christmas! We did secret santa so we each only had to buy one present and filled eachother's stockings. Christmas ended up being much more meaningful this way, and after experiencing so much of Christ's power and authority, I found myself thinking about the true meaning of Christmas wayyyy more than I usually do. Some of my team mates cooked a DELICIOUS christmas breakfast and dinner...we ate wayyy tooo muchhh that day, but it was awesome.

monday was the last day of going to the orphanage in the the township called molweni. it's at the very bottom of a valley, surrounded by cliffs and mountains. SO BEAUTIFUL. it was hard to say goodbye to the kids as we'd formed relationships with them over the last two weeks. Afterward, we didn't feel like waiting around for a taxi, so we hiked up this really steep mountain that was longer than 2 kilometers...i don't know how long it actually was, i just know that we stopped at one point and someone told us that we'd come 2 kilometers, and then we kept going...and it was freaking STEEP. And it was freaking BEAUTIFUL. and it was freaking AWESOME. after that, we went to a medical clinic and watched God heal more people through our hands! It's getting kinda normal now to see God heal people through my hands...wayyyy wierd but amazing! I spoke in tongues for the first time on monday too.

tuesday we did more street ministry like on saturday! awesome!

wednesday we went to an orphanage called lily of the valley--one of the first aids orphanages in africa-- and helped them with some manual labor...that was rough, but it payed off.

thursday and friday we worked in a food bank and it was really cool! i enjoyed it a lot!

loving outreach, sad we only have 3 more weeks, but i'm so excited to come home!!! thanks for all the prayers!

hummm

So my last entry was posted BEFORE the rehab center on tuesday?? woah. SO MUCH has happened since then...Over the past 3 days I have experienced the most drastic change of emotions in my life thus far. Tuesday night, my team went to a rehab center called Careline. I think it was one of the best nights of my life. During worship, I really came to a new understanding of what living fully and only for Christ means and so, came to a new understanding of who I am and how I am called to live; how I want to live. The message was then given by one of the interns from Highway church (where we attended last sunday). The intern was so well spoken and did a very good job of getting his message across. He inspired me because I'm sure he wasn't much older than I am, yet spoke with such confidence and understanding. One thing he said that stuck out to me was that gospel means "good news," so if you hear something that isn't good news, it's not the gospel. In other words, when people say that God gave someone cancer to teach them a lesson, that's not the gospel! God's heart for us is love. After the service, we were just hanging out with some of the residents of Careline and some Highway church members. A group of my friends were standing in a circle talking to a man named Sefusa (no idea how to spell his name...it's like Sea-foo-suh), and my friend Alicia started laughing histarically on-and-on, so I went over to see what was going on, and they told me that Sefusa had prayed over her and given her joy. I went straight to Alicia and said "I want some," and she grabbed my hands and started praying for me. I felt the joy, and immediately began crying. I then went to Sefusa and asked if he would pray for me too, and he asked me to lay my hand on my stomach. I was SO convicted in that moment; more than I ever have been before. I knew exactly what God wanted me to do. See, two of my friends have asked me why I've never had my food allergies prayed for, and one of them was just a few days before Careline. For a while, I've thought that my allergies were a punishment of sorts for being annorexic. Like God wanted to teach me to value my body and food more or something...but after the service at Careline, and hearing the bit about the gospel being good news, I knew I'd been deceived. So, when Sefusa asked me to lay my hand on my stomach, I told him about my gluten and dairy allergies and that I wanted to be healed. He looked at me and said, "Okay, so you are wanting to be healed?" and I said yes, and he said, "Okay, well let me tell you this, you are free!" and before I even knew what I was saying, "I am free!" came out of my mouth! And I am free indeed! For the rest of the night I was between sobs and laughing my head off and the rest of my team was all laughing as well. We were truly drunk on the spirit…it was like nothing I've ever experienced. God's love and faithfulness shown as a whole new light to me Tuesday night. And in perfect timing too.

Wednesday morning, we met for worship, and when we were finished, we realized that one of the members of our team, Joshua, and one of our leaders, Noah, never showed up for worship. None of us were even close to imagining the tragic news we were about to receive. After a while of waiting and praying, we were finally told that 3 of Joshua's 9 siblings were killed in a car accident the day before. Josh and Noah were at the travel agency looking for flights to get him home for the funeral. Just like that. All of us were a mess all day, and I think Josh was the strongest out of all of us. Wednesday seemed to stretch on forever as we were all crushed over the whole matter, anxious about trying to find him a flight home, and upset about him leaving at the same time. But of course, we all want him to be home with his family right now.

I've never gone from such a high to such a low in such a short amount of time. But God is faithful. Sure, I've been confused over the passed few days and wondered what the point of all this is, but if I've learned anything it's that God is faithful always.

Yesterday and today our team has been working in townships, which are basically the slums here in Durban. The ones we've visited so far haven't been as bad as I expected, but are definitely extreme poverty.

So, my emotions have been kinda all over the place, BUTTTT we did get to see about 20 monkeys just chillin in someone's yard yesterday. and found GIANT avocados on the ground and ate them :) we're gonna make guacamole. and i got to hold a precious zulu baby today. :) God is faithful.

ministry day 2

First really hot day in Pinetown today. I'm actually sweating while sitting here in Mugg & Bean (the coffee shop in the mall that's about 2 blocks from our flat; the only place we can find Wifi). Yesterday, our first day of ministry, we served in a soup kitchen. Before going, I pictured us serving scoopfulls of soup out of metal bowls to a line of hundreds of people until we were exhausted and trying to fellowship with them and show them Jesus. I was soooo farrrr offffff. The soup kitchen was not a building that served lines of homeless people soup all the time, but instead was being held in a church. We walked into a room of about 20 zulu men, being led by an asian man, singing beautiful worship to our God. I was stunned. Aside from the beauty of their harmonies, there was such a presence of freedom in that place. Then, they had our team come up to the front and sing for them...and basically, all us white americans and canadians had a sing off...with a bunch of African men....wasn't the best idea. haha They showed us up for sure, but it was so much fun. Most of them didn't speak much English, so we got some funny looks at times, but it was so worth it. Each member of our team was then assigned different jobs to help out with around the place. While a few gave their testimonies, and a few led worship, and a few sorted out clothing and toys, two of my teammates and I helped out in the kitchen. You know, nothing unusual...just washing stuffed animals and plastic communion cups in the sink (a good number of them being cracked. haha this is africa? heck yeah it is. I was reminded, "We don't throw ANYTHING away in Africa," by the British lady I was helping. Today, we've been working on skits and such to pull out in situations like yesterday. And we're going to a rehab center tonight to help out there...we'll see how it goes! Loving SA so far!

mugg and bean

We've now been in Durban almost 4 full days, and have been sleeping a good bit of that time. We're staying in a suburb of Durban called Pinetown. Honestly, I've felt right at home from the minute we got here. I love the weather- cool in the mornings and evenings, but warm during the day. I love the way people dress here- WELL. The Zulu language is BEAUTIFUL and I've enjoyed trying to learn it. Speaking with clicks, though, is a lot harder than you'd think. For instance, my friend's name is Xoli, which is pronounced *click*-oli, and i literally have to stop everything I'm doing when I'm trying to say her name, which can be awkward when you're walking through a mall jam packed full of people. Ahh there's one thing that is a bit stretching for me; there are SOOO MANNNYYY PEOPLLLEEE. crowded crowded crowded everywhere! I'm learning not to carry much with me, and to make sure I put a jacket in the top of my bag so that someone would really have to dig to steal stuff from me. Luckily, no one on my team has been robbed. I was most nervous yesterday when we went shopping in downtown Durban. It's a bit of an odd sensation because Durban is a big city with big skyscrapers and big businesses, but it's also entirely African. In structure, Durban is not so different from New York City, but in nature or culture, Durban is a different world! Until we went to Highway Church (about 2 blocks from our flat) this morning, I was one of about 20 white people I'd seen since arriving in South Africa...13 of the others being my team mates. Highway, however, is full of white people, and we're not really sure where they come from, haha, cause they're nowhere around us. I absolutely loved the service this morning, and felt a freedom there like I've never felt in church before. The church leaders actually allowed teenagers to speak up and women to speak up and they were so welcoming to us YWAMers, who are honestly not always so well received by the church.

So, tomorrow is our first real day of ministry. Tonight we're doing a prayer walk around our neighborhood where we'll be doing lots of ministry. I have kinda mixed feelings about it. I'm kinda nervous and kinda excited!

from the jberg airport

So, this is a far overdue and non extensive update on our traveling this past week...

Monday, we began our journey to Durban, South Africa; our first outreach location. We took an hour and a half long water taxi from San Pedro, Belize to Belize City. There, we had to say goodbye to the two girls and two small group leaders who are doing their outreach in Guatemala! We cried a little saying goodbye, but we're also so confident that God is using us for great things how and where He wants to, that it's hard to be too sad. We then took a taxi ( the first time I'd been in a car in 3 months! felt crazy!) to the Belize City airport. Our outreach team had to split into two groups to travel until we got to Amsterdam, where we all met up again. So, the first team left at 12 pm, and while my team was supposed to leave at 3 pm, our flight got delayed 4 hours. In the Belize City airport, there is absolutely nothing to do. A little cafe was open when we first got there, but then it closed around 2 pm... normal?? oh Belize...haha I have to say, I don't miss Belize yet. I'm sure I will before long, but I don't yet. Finally, we had a nice smooth ride to Miami, and I about kissed the American soil when we landed! I have never loved America as much as I do now. I really appreciate the order and the civilization. haha. I got my first starbucks in 3 months and about peed my pants!! I really and actually did fall on my knees and tear up a bit haha. ohh it was glorious! another thing I never knew I missed until I saw them: American gift shops! They may be expensive, but at least they sell things you actually want to buy. And its not expired. Anyway, we got to spend the night in Miami at the Embassy Suites. Ahh it was glorious! I slept in a bed without sand and mosquitoes and noseeams and WITH airconditioning for the first time in 3 months!! At 10 the next morning, we went back to the Miami airport to catch our flight to JFK, which we just barely caught. We then had a 6 hour flight from JFK to Amsterdam....where I got more starbucks! We had about a two hour layover in Amsterdam before our 10 1/2 hour flight to Johannesburg... We've now been in the Johannesburg airport for about 5 hours and have 3 or 4 more to go before we fly to Durban....been a good trip so far. I'm gonna try to update my blog a lot more on outreach, but we'll see how that actually works. so, until later. :))

tiny update.

so this is the most scatterbrained blog post i've ever posted as it was written over the course of two weeks....but...at least it's some kind of update.

saturday, november 19, 2011:

I slept out on the dock last night for the first time, and my! I shouldn't have waited this long. Have I ever mentioned that the view of the stars from our base is breathtaking?? I'm not exaggerating either; I gasp every.single.time i look at the stars here. And when you're out on the dock, especially on a moonless night when the ocean seems black as the sky, you sit there and feel like you're floating around in outer space. The stars actually look tangible-like you could hold them in your hands if you could reach far enough to grasp them-where as at home they appear more like a glowing mist in the sky. I have never felt so loved or so at peace as I did last night. As a last hurrah of our lecture phase, our outstanding leaders prepared a dessert night for us. They sent us fancy invitations and asked us to dress fancy and they set the dining hall up all fancy like and fancily escorted us to our fancy tables and then served us fancy coffee and tea and desserts. Two of the desserts they made for everyone had dairy and gluten in them, so they MADE me SPECIAL desserts JUST FOR ME that were DAIRY AND GLUTEN FREE and I COULD EAT THEM and I DIDN'T GET SICK. I may or may not have teared up a bit. That had to take so much work!

This
is
a
key lime sorbet
with
apples on top
and
strawberry sauce
they
made
just for me!


Goodness, and then they spoke encouragements over each of us. AHH it was so special! Then we took lots and LOTS and lots of pictures, which was really fun. I love these people and I don't want to ever forget them. The celebration represented so incredibly much for us. We each came here to DP broken, for one reason or another, and we all wanted healing. If not healing, then strength; if not strength, then to hear from God; if not to hear from God, to become a better leader. I don't think I realized until today that when I came here, I really was at the end of my rope. I had tried to heal in every way I could think of. I had tried to suck it up and be happy with life. But I knew none of it was working. But now, I know God in a way that has transformed me. I know Joy that I never used to know. I am free because I've learned to walk in the light.

My lovely friend Dani rubbed my head until I fell asleep out on the dock saturday night. There was a peace like I've never experienced wrapped around me all throughout that night. I don't even have words to explain it, but I've never felt so loved. Everytime I woke up in the middle of the night, I opened my eyes to the stunning stars and was overcome with peace. I felt God's presence so tangibly.

I've been writing this blogpost over the course of a week…starting last sunday, and it's now friday…so if it's a little off, that's why.

We only have two more days here in Belize before leaving for outreach in South Africa.
--------
monday, nov. 28, 2011


ANNNNNND, now, it's monday. first day of outreach. Twelve weeks ago I sat in this same airport, anticipating what the next 3 months would bring, but having no idea what I had gotten myself into. I became acquainted with those two missionaries, Van and Patty, who gave me all kinds of advice and encouragement about living for Christ and being a missionary. Now, though we've been delayed 3 more hours, we're sitting here in the Belize City airport again as our last few moments here in Belize are disappearing. I had no idea the change that was going to happen inside me. No idea of the transformation. I had no idea how hard these last 12 weeks were going to be.

Belize update.

I guess I only just realized how long it has been since my last post. Sorry, for those of you who are actually following me! I'll try to update more often. Honestly, though, everytime I've thought about journaling and blogging lately, I've become overwhelmed because SO MUCH has been going on here. First of all, I didn't realize that I never blogged about Bob, so let me give you a quickie version of his story.
Two Saturday nights ago, a strange man turned up in our library. After multiple stories going around of who he was, how he got here, who found him, and why he was here, the truth came out. His name is Bob, age 33, he is a successful and well-loved businessman from Holland, he has been traveling all over the place (mostly the US) for the past 3 months, and he came to Belize to end his life. Chris and Lynn, our base directors gave him a place to stay and food to eat, only under the condition that he would call his momma in the morning. haha. i love that. During breakfast, the monday after he arrived, Bob explained to me that he never really believed in God other than the sun. He said the only thing that's ever made sense to Him (religion wise), is that the sun is so big and powerful and makes things grow, and so the sun must be god, and we must all be made of stardust. I had a hard time imagining how someone could live under that belief, but the more I talked to Bob and learned the way he lived, the more I understood his intentions in ending his life. Bob had no idea why he existed, and no idea of his worth. The first couple times he told the story of how he came to DP, he was telling everyone that "coincidentally" he ended up here at DP, where he was "lucky" to be taken care of. Lynn was quick to smack him around saying, "I told you WE DON'T BELIEVE IN COINCIDENCES HERE!" hahaha...Bob doesn't believe in coincidences anymore either. Due to losing all his possessions in one of his 3 attempts at suicide, Bob has been stuck here the past two weeks, waiting for an emergency passport. It just so happens that Bob came just in time for our lecture week with Jeff Pratt on "The Father Heart of God." Coincidence? Our week with Jeff Pratt was outstanding. The most healing time of my life up until this week! haha. We talked about walking in the light, as God is in the light. I always thought that meant walking in happiness and joy and good things- the light!-right? No! I found out that it actually means to expose yourself, expose your sin, expose your weakness, expose who you really are, that you may find freedom! and OH! the freedom we found!!!! As for Bob, he found Christ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He sat in on our wonderful lectures this past week as well. Lynn Toney, (our base director) was the speaker this week, and by God speaking through her, we found even MORE freedom! We broke the ball and chains we each carry, and I cannot even explain this freedom at this moment, it's the purest joy i've ever experienced. I think my team knows more about me and how i've messed up than anyone ever on this earth...besides Jesus, duh. But it seriously amazes me how much we've all opened up to eachother after just 5 weeks! Sure, we don't know eachothers' personalities to a tee, but that will come in time. We are such a funny mix of people, and I love that God has brought us together, because we probably would have never met otherwise.
Just this past week, we had baptisms and rededications for those who felt called....guess who felt called??? BOB! I'm so proud of him, and so blessed by his story. We have witnessed a true miracle here before our very eyes! As my friend Joanie said, "We better be excited about this, because if we're not excited about this, what will we be excited about?" THIS is why we live, to be free in Christ and bring others to that freedom! And ohhhhh the freedom feels good. I've never felt this good.
I'm loving it here at DP. Sure, there are difficult things, but I'm witnessing that perseverance builds character, and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us. I know most everyone has already heard this, but a few weeks ago, God healed my back! He took the pain away, and its been structurally healing ever since. Praise the LORD! We are witnessing REAL miracles here.
Last, but not least, we are raising funds for outreach! We have a team going to South Africa, and a team going to Guatemala...(I'm on the South Africa team!!!) Each of us needs to raise 3,700 dollars, which means 37 people giving 100 dollars, or 100 people giving 37 dollars...however you wanna do the math...it's a lot of money, but we trust God to provide. Please be in prayer for us as we trust God for this money to come in by October 14th!!!! If you would like to help us out, please contact me on facebook!!! Hannah Tichenor is my name if you don't already know that. haha. Hannah Tichenor from Franklin, TN. Thank you so much for all your prayers and support everyone!

Random fun stuff....
It's so hot here that when it dropped to 81 F, we all put on pants and jackets. and LOVED it. haha.

there are scorpians here in Belize! scary.

our library (where I'm currently sitting), is apparently the mosquito, crab, and gecko mating ground of the whole base...sick.

sea grass smells like hard boiled eggs.

they reuse glass pop bottles here...so sanitary.

sting rays swim around our dock all the time!

the clouds over the ocean here are the most beautiful clouds in history.

there are attack pit bulls all over the place here....which makes running suck...haha but keeps me in prayer.

uhmmm that's all i got for now. if you have any questions, i'd love to answer them!!

learning

I'm sitting in a little bakery in San Pedro, trying to sum up my time here thus far. It's been extremely difficult. It's hard to live with two other girls in a room that's half the size of my bedroom at home. It's hard to live under someone else's rules and schedules. It's hard to adjust to the extreme heat here. It's hard to put up with the bugs. It's hard to always get into a sand filled bed. It's hard to go through testing and trials in a group of people where NO one has known me longer than two weeks. It's hard to have limited communication to home. There are a lot of hard things here.

BUT, I'm learning. God is teaching me patience and endurance and self-control. This morning in worship, I was dealing with so much anxiety and I really felt God telling me that I needed to surrender to Him. I forgot what surrendering looks like. Surrender is not just turning to God for things, or following him, but being enslaved to his will. Which means doing all he's called me to, and being able to do it confidently because my hope is in Him. Fortunately, his will is love; perfect love. He wills to love me perfectly and he is ABLE to love me perfectly. He will guide me by this love, if I surrender to Him. That's what I want. No more fear and anxiety, but trust and confidence that God has me.

NOWWWWW, i have to do the MASSSSIVE amount of reading assigned for next week. ugh. but i love the things i'm learning.

And have i mentioned that its beautiful here? perfect day :)

week 2, day 2

I really like how I'm being stretched here. It's not the kind of stretching I expected. I thought for sure that I'd be uneasy and overwhelmed by the over charasmatic worship and crazy teachings, but be holding on to what God had called me to. DP is nothing like that. No snake holders here. No one trying to make me speak in tongues. Yet, no one against the ideas. Yesterday was our first day of "class," which is basically a lecture and discussion. We talked about all kinds of things, all kinds of ideas and subjects of conflict among Christians. The idea we were centering around was the ability to question and compare our ideas and to be able to differentiate between what we THINK and what we KNOW. From there, the discussion went all over the place, but I really like where we took it. I know that before long, this group of people will be a group that I can talk to about almost anything. I'm already surprised at how much we've shared with each other, while being respectful. Like i've said before, i've really loved loved getting to spend so much time with God. Worship, Prayer, Intercession, Journaling, Reading the Word, and everything we do here is focused on Him. Of course there are still distractions. They're in our hearts. I'm trying so hard to stay focused, but even in lecture, even when we're discussing a topic i'm genuinely interested in, I find my thoughts shifting back home, or even to the crazy geckos outside. Sometimes my mind wonders to something significant, or something I really care about and need to spend time thinking and praying about, but other times I just find myself day dreaming about something perfectly useless, or i'll even just be so focused on a song playing in my head that I can't focus on God. That's been the most frustrating thing for me being here. I want so badly to devote my whole self to him, but it can be difficult to know how. Especially when you're surrounded by people who you have no history with...they don't know who you really are yet, so they can't exactly set you straight when you're off. I know that will change as I grow closer to my team, but its a little unsettling right now.

We got to practice intercession today for the first time. We were interceded for the day after we got here, but today we got to learn how. Intercession, as I have learned, is prayer on behalf of someone else. Asking God to do something specific for someone. We prayed for the victims of the fires in texas and God just brought to mind all kinds of things to pray for that I would never have thought of on my own. It's so cool to me when someone else starts interceding, and they're speaking words that God didn't place on your heart, but you know that they are from Him because you can feel the Holy Spirit moving inside of you. It took me a long time to recognize this as the Holy Spirit, and honestly, I was afraid to for a while because I didn't know what would happen. I am a little afraid to speak in tongues, to be honest. But I know that God is a good God, and if he wants to give me that gift, it's a good thing. So even though I am a little afraid, I am ready. It's like the feeling you get when you're cliff jumping. You're standing at the top, and you can't help but be a little scared, but you still wanna jump off. You're not exactly sure how its gonna go, or what its gonna feel like, but you'll go for it anyway. That's how I feel when the Holy Spirit moves in me.

Anyway, i'm just rambling on and on haha, i'll write more betterer stuff sometime later. like maybe after i go scuba diving this weekend :/ scarrrryyyyy hahaha.

quote

my favorite quote so far came from Simba during a volleyball game. Someone missed a pass and Simba said, "ahh don't beat yourself up about it, we'll do that for you." hahaha

week 2, day 1

I've been here in San Pedro for one week. My assesment of it thus far is that, while it may be paradise, I don't think I could live here long term. Between the heat and the bugs and the ferocious gaurd dogs, it's not the most comfortable setting for me, but the scenery is absolutely gorgeous here. more so than I've ever seen anywhere. And don't get me wrong either, I'm having the time of my life, it's just not "home" to me. But a magnificent place to be none the less. Let me give you a couple facts about Belize~

#1. Hardly anything is cold or dry in Belize. You go to bed sweating and wake up sweating and sweat or are in the water almost all day. The only cold things are drinks at the Palapa (which is our little soda bar thing out on the beach), orrr if you're the first to get to the water tank after the tank has been changed. That is all I can think of.

#2. They have geckoes in place of spiders here. And they make really loud clicking noises.

#3. Bug spray replaces makeup around here.

#4. A lot of people DO speak spanish here, even though mostly everyone told me they didn't haha

#5. We really do eat beans and rice everyday. And I could live off of only beans and rice forever. plus hot sauce.

#6. There are never to almost never shark attacks here in Belize, even though there are sharks. Wanna know why? Sharks attack in Florida because they cannot see well and will mistake a person for a seal. As soon as they taste a human though, they'll spit him back out. Here in Belize, the water is so clear that sharks see humans clearly and SWIM AWAY! I thought that was super cool.

#7. You may end up with more blood on the outside of your body than the inside at the end of the day, and may find bruises all over your body from beating yourself. Mosquitoes are brutal here.

#8. I've seen several iguanas here. It's a little odd to see an iguana on top of a building where I am used to seeing birds.

#9. Okay Tennessee, we thought WE had it bad with cicadas this year? Lemme tell you something. The cicadas here are as big as birds. Their bodies are at least 3 inches long and at least 1 inch wide and have HUGE butterfly like wings. And they scream. It doesn't sound like a bug noise, I thought birds were making the noise for the first couple of days, it's like a screeching.

That's all i got for now.
I got to learn how to sail this week!!!!!! I love it SO much, especially in this beautiful water. I can't even describe it. I just wanna go out there and sleep foever on the crystal blue waves. I also began my scuba diving training. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not excited about scuba diving at all, and I didn't like the training. BUT, I'm gonna suck it up and go ahead and try to get certified. Why nott? already half way there.

I really love being able to spend this much time devoted and focused on God all the time. It's making me realize that I need to be this focused, if not more so, in my everyday life. I'm seeking to get into the habit of spending hours in the word and prayer. And worshipping daily. And surrounding myself with people I can discuss and grow with. There has been a lot of soul stretching going on here. I've had to open up to 25 people I hardly know. None of them know my history or where I come from, they only have what I tell them. It's kind of an odd feeling. I've been blessed enough to live for so long in a community where I COULD have been seeking and growing in the Lord this much, but I may not always have that privelege. I've got to learn to be so devoted and focused on God no matter where He puts me. no matter what type of surroundings.

I'm sorry, friends and family that I haven't touched base with enough. Internet is extremely limited here. Plus I've been trying not to worry about media stuff so mcuh while I'm here, so please don't be offended. I love all of you so mcuh and cannot wait to talk to you. thanks for all the prayer and support, I feel God's hand with me. I'm praying for all of you back home as well.

Belize!!!!

I wrote this wednesday...

So, my first blog post in Belize. I can't even begin to get my thoughts straight. I'll start with my travel experience. I had a relatively easy and super blessed journey here to San Pedro. Sure there were tiny bumps, but nothing that pulled me from my course. Like I mentioned before on facebook and have received many questions over, I was being followed by an El Salvadorian after my first flight. He wasn't just creepin on me though, he was trying to get to his gate to go to El Salvador. I had been sitting next to this approximately 40 year old man on the previous plane and at some point during the flight, we had discussed where we were headed. My next gate was E35. His gate was E2. So, he then told me that since Atlanta is an uncomfortably large airport, and he didn't know where I was heading, he was going to follow me there. I kind of nervously laughed, and as soon as I figured out where I was going, I BOOKED. I thought that I had to anyway, seeing as I arrived in the A terminal and had to get to E35 in 15 mins. I was sure I had lost him, until I heard a voice, practically on my ear saying "So uh, where we go-een?" I half jumped, and tried to explain to him how to get there. Funny thing is, my parents had told me several times before I left that it wasn't my job to help people through the airport because often times people will act like they need help so that they can mug you. I didn't encourage this guy in any way to follow me, but at the same time, I didn't even have the time to point him to other assistance. So, I figured as long as I was very aware of my belongings, it wouldn't hurt for him to follow me...if he could keep up. I felt like the mother of this 40 year old man as I had to explain to him that we had to go down the escalator to get to the train, and once on the train we had to get off at the E terminal because our gates were in the E terminal. He asked so many questions, but I couldn't help but acknowledge the fact that if I was acting like Christ as I claim to, I would help those who asked at my own expense. Besides, I had my backpack in front of me the whole time, with my arms in the straps so that no one could touch my bag without me seeing it. I directed him to his gate, and found mine easily. To my surprise, I had an additional 30 minutes before boarding, THANKS JESUS. So, i got to go grab starbucks. When I returned to my gate, 2 girls, from my DTS, Dani and Megan, were sitting there as well, THANKS JESUS. Turns out, mine and Megan's seats were right next to eachother, and there were empty seats next to us so Dani got to sit next to us. THANKS JESUS. All of the guys from our DTS were on the same plane, but we didn't meet them until we got to Belize.

There were two Christ followers (decidedly not missionaries), sitting behind Megan and I on the flight to Belize. They were asking about YWAM and explained that they worked with kids in Barranco, Belize. From the Belize City airport, we had to take a 15 minute puddle jumper to San Pedro. Everyone else in my DTS had scheduled their flight with the other airline and left right away. I was a little bummed that I was the only one on Maya Island Air, and sat alone at the gate for what seemed like a long time. I wondered if I was going to be the only one on the flight. Then, the couple doing work in Barranco came walking up and sat with me. They told me that they originally came to Belize for retirement, but saw the need and accepted their call to help. They told me that Barranco has a strong culture of witchcraft and they are not accepting of missionaries, mostly because the missionaries that have gone to Barranco previously made a bad name for themselves. So, they felt the call to be good neighbors, and when the Belizeans ask what is different, they share the Gospel. They had been driving down from Michigan to Belize for years, they explained, but now it's too dangerous to drive due to corrupt government in Mexico. They told me some wonderful stories from their journeys and I want to share one. Apparently, they had stopped somewhere in Mexico and needed to stay the night. Van and Patty (the non-missionaries) spoke no spanish, and the hotel owner in town spoke verrrry limited English. They tried and tried to book rooms for the night, one for them and one for their grand daughter, but the hotel owner would not rent them a room longer than 3 hours. They were confused and frustrated until they realized they were not in a hotel, they were in a brothel. As they walked away, the "hotel" owner finally realized what they were asking for and came running after them, saying that he would give Van and Patty two rooms across from each other for the night. "Just don't let the girl turn the TV on!" he warned. So, they stayed. They stayed the night in a brothel!! What commitment! Van jokingly explained, "They gave me a discount since I brought my own women." Haha I was astounded at their passion and zealousy. For some reason, I often think of passion and zealousy as being "young people things." Van and Patty proved me wrong. They told me I could come visit them whenever I wanted, and gave me some very good advice. They said: wherever in the world you go, whenever you meet people from other places, get their contact information. You may need it someday. You never know where you're gonna need to go, and if you're gonna need connections.

I thought that was golden information.

Finally, my puddle jumper was ready to go, and there were 4 other passengers. This flight was one of the most scenic-ly beautiful moments of my entire life. The difference between the sea and sky was indistinguishable. All so blue and green. The water is so clear, I could see the underwater hills and mountains and holes from the sky!

From the airstrip in San Pedro, the other YWAMers that had arrived a while before me and I jumped onto a ski boat and drove to our base. I honestly think the water here is clearer than that in a swimming pool. The whole ride to the base I was thinking, "places like this actually exist? this trumps narnia, this trumps barbie mermaidia and fairytopia...i mean...this isn't real." But I soon came to the conclusion that I was foolish to believe that man's imagination could create more than his creator's. Thesis? Again? Really?

The Destination Paradise base used to be a resort and it is absolutely BEAUTIFUL. I love it here. We have spent most of the time we've been here swimming in the pool, snorkling (which I haven't done yet), kayaking (haven't done yet either), playing volleyball, fun ice breakerish games, card games, guitar playing/ singing, reading, journaling, small group praying....ohh and eating beans and rice. :) OH, and Megan, the girl who sat next to me on the plane, just so happens to be my roommate...total coincidence, right?? ;)

Anyway, needless to say, I'm loving it here. Minute by minute I hear God speaking to me, and so much of what he's revealing to me is that he has prepared the way for me to be here. He really did want me here. And he really did want the rest of my DTS here. The faculty and staff and base directors are amazing. I couldn't imagine anything better...except a better bed maybe haha. the boards under my mattress move around, so that's a little disconcerting considering that I'm on the top bunk haha. We'll figure that one out.

Thank you so much everyone for all your prayers. I feel them. I feel the Holy Spirit here. I'm becoming aware that I feel it a lot, but push it away, and now that I'm here to focus on God and God alone, I'm starting to actually feel a relationship with the spirit of God. That's something I've never felt in this way before.

Anyway, i'll keep you all posted. thank you for everything :)

"Consider your ways"

For a while, I've been caught in a stage of spiritual illness. A time where I was screaming "God, PLEASE show up!", and felt that even though he was with me through all i was dealing with, he wasn't helping me. I am grateful, however, that throughout the time i spent ill and confused, God was gracious enough to turn my mistakes into lessons in order that i would grow, despite my illness. Isn't it just like God to use something awful to my benefit, and furthermore, to his glory?

There's no excuse for spiritual illness. I was only overcome by it when I took my eyes off of God and the way He's called me to live; when I forget that I have SURRENDERED my will to the will of the Almighty. When spiritually ill, you get worked up after a while, thinking, "This isn't what I expected. I'm not achieving my goals. If I'm living the best way I know how, and still missing my dreams, what does that say about me? Am I useless? If so, am I worthless?" But how can we forget that God is much more able to dream for us, what we cannot dream for ourselves? His dreams are bigger, greater, more miraculous. How could I forget this? Didn't I spend all last year writing my thesis paper on this very subject? Didn't I stand in front of 200-300 people and urge them to run after whatever God calls them to because He "is able to do to superabundantly far over and above all that we ask or think (infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams)" (eph. 3:20)? But I learn this lesson again almost every day. A re-learning that, though painful at times, humbles me again before Jesus' feet. A re-learning that has grown my relationship with God leaps and bounds.

A strange thought struck me as I was running this morning. I was thinking about how most everyone lives however they may live with the knowledge/fear that one day they will come before God and be faced with their sin; the saved will be welcomed into the kingdom, and those who rejected Christ will be rejected. I sort of laughed as I realized that we are ALWAYS before Him. We are ever before Him. Why do we put off our surrender til tomorrow when we have been told repeatedly that tomorrow is not promised? Probably because "we have been told" but we have never taken the time to sit and think about what it means to be ready to die RIGHT NOW. Not what it means to take the appropriate steps so that some distant day in the future we can say, "This is it, my time has come, and I am ready." But to KNOW that my time may be in 5 seconds, just because God designed my life to end that way, reallllllllly makes me think about how I spend my time. If I am before Jesus Christ, WHAT will I withhold from Him? If there IS anything I'm willing to withhold from Christ, I am absolutely daft because he gave everything just so that I could live with him forever. True love right there. So, if I am EVER before Christ, why am I ever withholding of my gifts and talents and love and offerings and time. I spend so much time being too embaressed to share my gifts with others because there is risk involved, but I forget that I am really before none but Christ Jesus. And even so, I forget that I have surrendered myself, my will, my fears all to Him. And even so, as sick as it is, I forget that he DESERVES my surrender, and so much more. I mean, what would it really look like to use all my gifts for his glory, no disclaimers involved. Instead of saying, "well, i really suck at everything, but i'll try", claiming, "Christ will do this in me, if it is His will." As Proverbs 3:25-26 urges "Have NO fear of sudden disaster or the ruin that overtakes the wicked, FOR THE LORD WILL BE YOUR CONFIDENCE and will keep your foot from being snared." I have to have confidence in the LORD. It's the least I can do to give my filthy life for Him when he's given his perfect life for me. My righteousness is as filthy rags.

I just read Francis Chan's "Crazy Love" this summer (about time, right?), and there were two stories he told on this subject that really stood out to me. The first was of a man speaking at a funeral. The man was explaining the possibility of your time coming any minute, and you don't have control over it, and you don't know when it's coming. A "live your life to the fullest" kind of speech. At the end of his speech, this man fell over and died. RIGHT there. On the spot. Unexpectedly. Who knew?

The second story was about Chan's mother-in-law. He described her as a person very aware of heaven; her thoughts most always turned to the Lord. He said that after taking her to the theatre one time, he asked her how she enjoyed the show. Her response was that while the show was fine, it was not where she'd like to be when Jesus came back. I don't even know if I breathed for a minute after I read that. It shocked me. To even have a mindset like that! THAT is what I want! To be ever looking toward what God is doing, and what I can be doing alongside Him.

I have not had that mindset lately, which is the reason I've been "spiritually ill". Just over this passed month, God has been stripping me of so many false beliefs and restrictions I've had on myself. He's worked through passages of scripture, good conversations, music, dreams, his own voice to show me that He is the only One worth both living and dying for and I cannot take him for granted. I want none besides Him.

Just last night I was having a minor panic attack about something profoundly unimportant on the large scale, when God stepped in and reminded me that it would be JUST LIKE satan to get me all worked up over something small just days before I leave for Belize, and make me too afraid to go. And once I had that realization and surrendered my will to God, a great peace overtook me and I was finally able to sleep peacefully after days of unrest. Really, anything one could worry about should have the same result, because what has Christ left us to worry over? He said be anxious for NOTHING.

I want to leave on that note. My eyes fixed on Christ. My heart bound to Jesus. My will in line with His. So whatever may happen, I am content. If I get wiped out right this instant I can say, "I have used my gifts from God and my freedom in Christ and the Holy Spirit's guidance to glorify Him." I'm no longer screaming for God to show up. After all, I was the rebellious one here. I was the liar. I was the cheater. I betrayed him. I was the lover of darkness. Now, I'm saying "Thank you for holding on."

New Life Goal as of today

"Everyone has heard about your obedience, so I am full of joy over you; but I want you to be wise about what is good, and innocent about what is evil." -Romans 16:19

written 10-12-10

This was a journal prompt for school I don't wanna forget about:

"Describe the relationship between a specific English act (or set of acts) and either mercantilism or salutary neglect."

There is an obvious connection between the Navigation acts and the idea of mercantilism. The Navigation acts, in simple terms, said that America could ONLY export goods to Great Britain and had to use British ships. Mercantilism is the marriage of big government with big business to form a monopoly. Great Britain used the Navigation acts as a means of Mercantilism. They wanted to monopolize the trade system of the world, and since they owned the majority of the new world, they used this to demonstrate their power. The rest of the world was wondering about America. What was it really like? What goods and treasures existed there? It was a grand mystery. The fact that Britain owned this mystery gave Britain incredible power. The problem was, Britain wasn't fair to the colonists who had risked their lives to establish the colonies. They overtaxed the colonists and completely controlled trade and denied the colonists the right to representation. The colonists became frustrated and knew they had to revolt. A scrawny group of colonist farmers fighting against the most powerful army in the world seems like a rediculous idea. Couldn't it only end in massacre? But how often we discount the fact that it is God who gives and God who takes away. He performed a miracle for the colonists, similar to the battle of Jericho for the Israelites. It was impossible, absolutely, but it happened. Do we forget this today? God is in control of ALL things. Why do we fear for our future when God is with us? If we have faith and courage as a country to stand up and throw ourselves, including our will, into the arms of God, he will redeem the wicked path we're on.